Finding Temi

Stronger Than I Thought

2012-01-16T00:10:00.000+08:00

Last Friday night, a few of my workmate threw a semi-suprise birthday celebration for me. A Korean dinner and followed by a karaoke session. I was truly touched. I've been experiencing a mild melancholy lately because I thought nobody (other than my family) cares this year. Their efforts to celebrate my birthday struck a chord with me. People that I don't have any expectations made an unexpected gesture.

So I wonder, where do I stand in each of other people's heart? Other people that are not my family, I mean. This question has been hanging in my heart in the past 2 days. I wish I could write further but I know I got other hearts to think of. Some people might get offended.

Maybe this is an early sign for me that soon I don't matter at all.

Anyhoo, I'm fine really. The weekend was spent by the beach with family members and my grandmas (maternal grandma and her older sister). I love seeing the two of them. They are so close since they were little up until now. They are in their late 70's! I have promised myself that I will maintain the close relationship I have right now with my family, especially my dear sister. I don't have any expectation on others anymore. People come and go but in the end, only family matters.

Someday when I feel let down, I will look back at this entry and be reminded how I got away with it by believing in myself. I will always be grateful because I am blessed with a loving family. I don't need anybody other than Allah The Almighty to validate my existence.

Move on, Temi. Just move on.

I Am 32

2012-01-05T00:01:00.001+08:00

I am 32 now. Wow. I don't know how to act 32, I don't even know how to act 31 previously for that matter.

Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Praise to Allah for giving me the chance to live until now. I am thankful to Allah for blessing me with loving family and great friends.

Life is good. Actually life is great. People aren't. (something I read from twitter) Haha..

Healthwise, I'm doing fine. The disease is under-control as long as I stick to the medications. I got sick a few times last year though not related to the disease. There was a time when I was sick on and off for about 2 months. That was quite an experience.

So far, there's no improvement in romance department. I'm single/been single for the past few years.

At least I'm not emotionally-dependant to anyone. I'm not attached to someone that promise nothing. No crush or infatuation. Boring, I know. No headache and heartache. No time and money wasted.

I'm trying to embrace the looming fact that I might be an old maid for the rest of my life. This sounds a little pessimistic, but it doesn't mean that I'm depressed.

I believe that Allah has better plans, so I'm just going with the flow. Having a better half does not defines me. I define myself. I will make myself happy. I am happy. Are you happy?

Of course, there will be the occasional lonely feeling and longing for companionship. I have promised myself that I will just face it with sappy love songs and lots of chocolate. And move on, let go, whatever. I might find a new hobby in the future, like parasailing, hiking (yea rite haha), pole dancing or anything to combat those negative feelings.

I always tell myself, if I'm not married then I will really take care of my parents. That's not so bad, isn't it? After all, they've done so much for me. It's time to repay them. If I want kids someday, I'll harass my siblings to produce lots of nieces and nephews for me. Heheh..

So I will live my life like this. I'll accept whatever/whoever comes along the way. I am, after all, is now 32.

Happy Birthday, me! :)

I Wish...

2011-12-06T15:13:00.001+08:00

I wish I lived in a world where I could play the ukulele, people played tubas on the bus, photographs showed people moving, and utensil pianos actually produced music...

The Big C

2011-10-06T22:19:00.001+08:00

So Steve Jobs died today. I'm not sure the cause of his death but most probably because of the pancreatic cancer that he had been battling for the past 7 years.

Cancer.

Aunty N, one my mom's bestfriend passed away because of colon cancer 5 years ago. She left behind a husband and 4 small children.

One of my closest friend's father passed away because of colon cancer too. I watched him took his last breath.

And now, 2 of my dearest friends are battling with cancer. Age 30 and 29 respectively. One of them is at Stage 3 and had one of her breast removed.

Surpriseeeeeeeeeee

2011-09-09T10:01:00.002+08:00

Hi!

Feels like blogging again.

I'm back.

Lorem ipsum

2011-03-18T00:00:00.000+08:00

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum

Boomerang

2011-03-01T14:43:00.004+08:00

Some people got something or someone through series of lying and drama.

And I can smell the 'trouble in paradise' already.

Let me say it again, you can fool everyone but not me.

Confessions Of A Compulsive Hoarder

2011-02-20T20:35:00.002+08:00

My parents said that one of the contributing factor of the thinning of ozone layer is the stuff in my room.

So last night, I launched a brave crusade to chuck away the stuff that I don't need. I got stuck almost every 5 minutes. I couldn't make any decision on which stuff to throw away. This continues till earlier this evening. Haih!

You know why is it hard for me to discard stuff that I hoard? Because I'm afraid that I cannot remember any single thing that reminds me of my childhood. I've thrown away cards, notes, diaries that I kept during my childhood these 4-3 years back because I don't have space anymore to keep them. It was a regrettable action. :(

I'm such a sentimentalist.

Tips Dalam Perhubungan

2011-02-16T09:10:00.003+08:00

*Ini adalah peringatan untuk diri sendiri, sekiranya saya mempunyai seseorang dalam hidup saya kelak.*

Walapun kita mempunyai pasangan yang mencintai diri kita seadanya, tidak salah untuk kita terus berusaha memperbaiki diri demi perasaan dicintai itu berpanjangan.

Contohnya, kalau muka memang semulajadi tak berapa lawa, tak salah untuk kita bergaya berpakaian cantik-cantik untuk menampakkan kita menarik.

Kalau terasa rambut buruk, boleh usaha pergi ke salun nak cantikkan rambut.

Pendek kata, kalau kita menunjukkan usaha, mungkin pasangan kita akan berusaha untuk memperbaiki diri mereka pula.

Wallahualam...

Just A Dream

2011-02-08T09:47:00.003+08:00

Been dreaming to have a bedroom that looks like these:

Wisdom From 2 Women

2011-01-17T00:02:00.003+08:00

1.S

Not too long ago, I bumped into an old friend, S at a supermarket. It was shocking to hear that she had just got divorced. Before this, she was all lovey-dovey with her ex-husband. Even though she and her ex-husband had known each other for 4 years before they were married, they realized that they were not made for each other only after 5 years of marriage. S said she regrets that she got married rather hastily because back then she was so afraid she wouldn't find another man if she didn't marry her ex. Nevertheless, S seemed so positive with her future, she already moved on. She also advised me to be strong, to be careful in making choices, and most importantly, to be grateful with what I have.

2. El

My cousin El broke off her engagement. I am amazed by El because she doesn't struck me as rebellious and brave. Her former fiance wasn't mature enough to get married. She told me that she'd rather bear the embarrassment of broken engagement than a broken marriage. El is optimistic too, she knows that Allah has better plans for her.

Life is about trusting our feelings & taking chances, losing & finding happiness, appreciating the memories & learning from the past.

31

2011-01-05T00:00:00.000+08:00

Another year has gone by, I am thankful that I'm still alive. Alhamdulillah.

Though feeling a little bit melancholic, I'm trying not to be a negative person. What could be worse than turning 31 right? It's just another year.

Besides, I believe in this quote “Life may not be the party you hoped for but while we are here, we should dance”

In 2010, I learned a few life lessons. But it's too personal for me to blog about it in details.

For this year's resolutions, I will try not to let ego gets the best of me. I will admit when I'm wrong. You should do that too. Thus, I will be more forgiving. I won't simply shut people out from my life just because they hurt my feelings. Nobody's perfect, including me. Even if people disappoint me, I will be more patient. I will never expect them to change overnight. I will learn to accept people just the way they are. If they continue to disappoint me, I will ignore them for a while. Heh.

I will try to be more appreciative of people. I will build more bridge, not create walls around me. I hope this year I won't get “older but not wiser” sentiment anymore.

So yeah, Happy Birthday to me.

The Bigger Person

2010-12-21T10:02:00.002+08:00

Thanx to Ms.Counselor for this article :D

How to Stop Holding a Grudge

By an eHow Contributor

Everyone gets hurt or disappointed at some point. Some people are able to shake things off and move on. Others hold on to resentment for years. If you are holding a grudge, follow these steps to forgive and let go.

Instructions

1. Decide to move on. You expend more energy holding a grudge than you do letting one go. Make the choice to clear up the mental space occupied by this resentment. Once you choose to move on, the grudge will gradually dissipate.

2. Honor your feelings. Resentment builds when emotions go unacknowledged. Take the time to get clear about what you're feeling and why. Take action accordingly. If you have something that needs to be said, say it. If you have already voiced your grievance, then resolve any other feelings yourself.

3. Accept what is. Stop waiting for signs of remorse. Chances are the other person has already put the issue behind them. You may never get an apology, but that doesn't mean you should continue to indulge resentment. Be the bigger person and put the incident behind you.

4. Forgive. Forgiving someone doesn't exempting them from their actions. It doesn't change the facts. If you have been legitimately wronged, then forgiving doesn't mean you have to forget. It does mean that you acknowledge that the person is human and that we all make mistakes.

5. Shift your focus. Look at the good things about the person. Find the positive in the situation. Maybe you learned a lesson and discovered something new about yourself. Changing your viewpoint will help you release resentment.

6. Don't feed the monster. Once you've voiced your resentment and committed to moving on, don't continually talk about the offense. If you find yourself thinking about it, mentally change the subject. If someone brings it up, explain that it's in the past and you don't want to dwell on it.

From here

Hate Is A Strong Word Because...

2010-12-01T12:53:00.005+08:00

Hate cages all the good things about you. ~Terri Guillemets

I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear. ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

We hate some persons because we do not know them; and will not know them because we hate them. ~Charles Caleb Colton

You lose a lot of time, hating people. ~Marian Anderson

Hatred is the coward's revenge for being intimidated. ~George Bernard Shaw

Bak tajuk lagu Aisyah, Kemaafan Dendam Yang Terindah.....

#kcb Part 2 - For Ayu Kelopak

2010-11-30T23:05:00.002+08:00

Marilah kita menghayati lirik lagu ini....huhu

Seperti Aku Ini
Semakin Pupus...

Hoh, Sudahlah!

2010-11-28T23:35:00.005+08:00

If you're really sincere with your apology, then what was up with that "quote" eh?

For the record, I didn't mean to start a war. I just need a moment to cool off.

I perfectly understand that everybody is entitled to their own opinion. But please, next time try to LOOK AT THE BIGGER PICTURE. Why do you fret on the tiny details? Everybody was so charged up over that issue and yet all you saw was my flaws?

Seriously, your point is?

Perkara kecil tetap perkara kecil. Niat yang baik tetap disalah ertikan. Tak apalah, lepas ini kena pilih kawan kalau nak tolong dalam apa jua keadaan.

To The Island Of Gods

2010-11-26T10:34:00.002+08:00

I've read somewhere that Bali is also called The Island of Gods. I was there earlier this month. I'm so going to visit Bali again.

Scrap the plan to write a travelogue. Too lazy. :D

A Memory of Mount Merapi

2010-10-27T20:24:00.003+08:00

Sunrise at Ketep Pass, Jogjakarta - April 2010

I've been at the foot of the mountain twice, last year and this year. And I liked it there. Subhanallah, it was so serene especially during sunrise. Thus, I couldn't believe that right now, the once majestic and calm mountain has turned angry.

I pray for the people over there.

Claustrophobia

2010-10-22T14:42:00.002+08:00

Old story. But I suddenly got the urge to blog about it.

Last year, when I was admitted at Serd@ng Hospital, I had to undergo a MRI scan. So, as you all know, once the MRI scan begins, you're not allowed to move since this can affect the quality of the image. As the nurses strapped down my body (including my head) I started to feel nervous. Then, the MRI technician gave a panic button and told me this procedure will took around 45 minutes. I started to shiver. Slowly, the MRI bed went inside the tunnel. I didn't know why but suddenly I feel nauseated and I couldn't breath. I started screaming and totally forgot about the panic button.

The MRI bed came out from that small torturous tunnel and the nurses came rushing to me. They comforted me and rubbed my back and I almost puke. I think I spoke nonsense. After a few minutes, I calmed down. I apologized to the nurses and the technician.

“It's okay, you didn't tell me that you're claustrophobic” the technician said.

I was so shocked. I myself didn't even know that I'm claustrophobic. How could that be?

I noticed that I cannot be in a small, confined place after that incident. Sometimes I feel uncomfortable being in a fitting room. This never happened before. I really don't know why.

Anyway, the hospital rescheduled my MRI scan and I was given an injection that made me sleep during the second scan.

Belon

2010-10-20T15:27:00.000+08:00

I feel fat and bloated today.

*sigh*

Some People Are Just Plain Weird

2010-10-17T21:14:00.005+08:00

Aneh-aneh saja perangai manusia zaman sekarang.

Cara berfikir yang berbeza-beza. Ada yang sangat cetek pemikirannya.

Perkara utama terlepas pandang, tetapi perkara remeh yang dijadikan isu.

Tidak hairanlah, ada manusia yang penuh dengan aura negatif dan menjadi sukar difahami.

Tsk tsk kasihan...It's no surprise that you are your own worst enemy ;)

Okay, back to my Rock Band Unplugged.

Making A Quick Dash

2010-10-02T10:55:00.002+08:00

...for blogging.

I'm well. I still hate Kim Kardashian.

I'm off to beraya-raya session with my officemates.

I hope you have a great raya.

Take care.

Not Just Yet

2010-08-10T22:14:00.002+08:00

Has it come to the time for me to realize that I'm no longer cool? Damn you, Kim K@rd@shian! You're stealing my traffic with your frequent twitter updates! :D

Fear not, my devoted fans (yeahh all two and a half of you)! This blog will not cease to exist just yet. I will try my best to indulge you with my happenings and whereabouts once in a while.

******

As Ramadhan is just around the corner, I have certain dreams and goals to fulfill. I hope I can achieve if not all, some of it. Insyaallah.

Have a blessed Ramadhan! Eat right!

Perasaanku Tentang Perasaanku Kepadamu..

2010-07-15T23:18:00.002+08:00

Gosh, I have 12 drafts in my blogger. 12 drafts! As of now, I am a qualified procrastinator..*clap clap*

********

I hope this thing that I'm having, is just a phase, easily forgotten as time goes on.

Tired.

C'est La Vie!

2010-05-05T13:41:00.001+08:00

"Eh, eh mengada-ngadalah awak ni, sikit-sikit tak tahan panas. Puteri Lilin betul!"

Yang mereka tak tahu: Penyakit saya sangat sensitif dengan haba panas.

"Belum kahwin lagi kaki awak dah bengkak macam perempuan mengandung."

Yang mereka tak tahu: Saya sering mengalami swollen feet/edema atau bengkak kaki kerana kesan sampingan dari ubat yang saya ambil.

Such is life...

Kasih Tak Sampai-Sampai

2010-04-25T22:04:00.000+08:00

The last 2 months had been quite busy for me. I couldn't find a time to sit down and ponder upon my life and then blog about it. Even when I had the time, I'd rather do something else other than blogging.

So I finally got a much needed rest since yesterday. All previous weekends saw me going somewhere and doing something. One of my friend pointed out that it's amazing that I had this much energy with my unpredictable health status. Speaking of health, my neurologist is still unsure about defining my current status. She said that I'm not "into remission" yet, since I failed a few test. It is only under-controlled for now. The next test is in June. Let's just pray for the best. I'm too tired to worry about it. Whatever will be, will be...

Ok well..let's move along.

I realized that not everything comes along just when I want it. And I think I dream too much. I hope too much, too. And so far it gives me nothing. I've been told that I probably hope for the wrong things but trust me, all the things that I wish for so far is nothing like as rich as the Sultan of Brunei or Brad Pitt lookalike. I wish for the simpler things, in fact sometimes too nondescript.

When I heard the news the other day, it made me sad again. Although I believe in fate and Allah's mysterious ways, I couldn't help but feel devastated. Maybe something that I've been hoping to happen is not good for me, I don't know. Maybe I'm not good enough to hope for that something to happen. Maybe I'm not good enough for anything at all, maybe, maybe....

Reality hits me hard. I don't want to hope for anything no more because in the end it will only makes me sad.

The Emperor's New Clothes

2010-02-17T00:02:00.005+08:00

I'm beginning to loathe the growing hypocrisy at that place. The King's head is getting bigger because he thinks things are going so well under his rule. However, certain individuals who are from the lower level got discriminated by The King and their minor mistakes were put under the microscope. Even when those individuals had done a lot of great things to that place, The King totally forgot about it. On the other hand, people who knows how to talk and kiss ass received an enormous respect from The King. Strangely, The King also has this unfathomable belief that people from the upper level are always right.

I wonder what goes on inside the head of that pompous King who thinks he knew better just because he's the leader. Yeah fine, some people made mistakes but that didn't mean that you have the right to make fun of those people and their qualifications. At least they have something to be proud of unlike The King who doesn't have a high qualification and not even a vast experience. Shamefully,The King had been spoon fed by The Empress Dowager to be where he is now.

Since I'm all against tyranny, I've been refraining myself far too many times from lashing out to that King. I'm not sure how long I can take his shit so I've started looking out for a better option. But I'm praying hard that someday The King will ~~get a horrible constipation~~ learn his lesson from belittling other people. I mean come on, if you really believe in yourself, you don't have to bring other people down, right?

Three Oh

2010-01-05T15:59:00.004+08:00

I'm addicted to Photofunia

According to Mak, I was supposed to be born on December 28, 1979. However, Allah has greater plans for me, Mak gave birth to me on January 5th, 1980.

So today, I'm just glad that I am celebrating my 30th instead of 31st birthday.

Alhamdulillah, I am leading a relatively normal live even though I still depend on high-level of medications.

Plus, I am blessed with a loving family and great friends.

I am just so glad.

Ramblings Here And There

2009-12-28T20:48:00.008+08:00

I would like to thank my very good friend for taking this picture of my feet. It had inspired me to design this simple header.

The Wicked Witch With The Fragile ~~Bone~~ Soul
Apparently, she still thinks she's the angel, the savior of the people even when everyone has realized she lied and lied true her teeth every single time. She had spread vicious words and twisted her stories so that SOME individuals listened to her but little did she knew that she's losing her claws over lots of people.

We shall see how the drama will unfolds....

Footnote: Over 10 years ago, I could never imagined that it will turn out this sour.

So How Low Can You Go?

2009-12-06T23:39:00.005+08:00

Between reading, socializing, researching, plot-writing and psp-ing..I totally forgot about blogging.

And I don't want to comment here about the recent drama of lying, scheming and manipulating. Some people might get defensive. As always. Heh :P

Besides, I have my Private Rants. ;)

Don't worry, I'm still alive. Lucky for you, I'm still single haha

p/s I love Isabel Allende's books! Go Google. Too lazy to provide links.

Stop Faking It

2009-11-23T00:15:00.000+08:00

You have a constant aura of putting on airs. Look how calm I am even when I'm injured! In trying too hard not to appear self-consciously cool, it comes off as false. I would have appreciated at least you acknowledging how different your "recent mishap" is, rather than you're acting like it's the most normal thing in the world. Your current condition doesn't need to apologize for, but you shouldn't pretend either.

Newsflash: I Know!

2009-11-01T23:26:00.003+08:00

I know that you'd been lying all along. I know that you'd been lying a lot. I also know that you've been using lies as a tool for emotional blackmail. Being yourself is not enough for people to give their attention to you, is it? Oh come on! When are you going to grow out of this insecurity?

I feel sorry for some of your devoted people around you. They didn't know how much you lied to them. You spun you own web of lies and manipulated their trust for your own emotional benefit. How much further are you going to lie?

Sometimes I just want to tell it to your face that I can't stand your lying anymore. But lying is too ingrained in yourself that made it too hard for you to be honest about anything at all.

Go on and fool them but you can fool me no more. My trust on you is like butterfly wings. Fragile. Maybe your forgot, but bridging a gap will never work with lies.

Enough is enough. I beg you, stop lying. Please.

To The Things Which Continually Go Unaddressed

2009-10-25T19:03:00.000+08:00

Hello earthlings. I am now back from Mars. Life in space was nice. Sparkling stars kept me busy. I was planning to bring those stars back to Earth but the aliens stole them away from me. And no, this is not an excuse for not blogging.

Anyhoodle, I just need to write this:

We sometimes argue and disagree because we're a bunch of different people, but we love each other more than anything. In the end, through all of our disagreements, we just pull it together because our friendship matters the most.

for mot & mia

My Personal Hero

2009-09-16T09:36:00.003+08:00

Hi, banana pie.

This is a quick update to let you guys know that I'm still alive and kicking.

So Malaysia is celebrating her birthday today. Cool.

But have you guys ever heard of Omar Mukhtar? He's one of my personal hero.

Omar Mukhtar (Arabic عمر المختار ‘Umar Al-Mukhtār) (1862 - September 16, 1931), of the Mnifa tribe, was born in the small village of Janzour, near Tobruk in eastern Barqa (Cyrenaica). He organized and, for nearly twenty years from 1912, led native resistance to Italian control of Libya.

Mukhtar's final adversary, Italian General Rodolfo Graziani, has given a description of the Senusite leader that is not lacking in respect: "Of medium height, stout, with white hair, beard and mustache. Omar was endowed with a quick and lively intelligence; was knowledgeable in religious matters, and revealed an energetic and impetuous character, unselfish and uncompromising; ultimately, he remained very religious and poor, even though he had been one of the most important Senusist figures."

In three days, Mukhtar was tried, convicted, and, on September 14, 1931, sentenced to be hanged publicly (historians and scholars have questioned whether his trial was fair or impartial). When asked if he wished to say any last words, Mukhtar replied with a Qur'anic phrase: "From Allah we have come, and to Allah we will return." On September 16, 1931, on the orders of the Italian court and with Italian hopes that Libyan resistance would die with him, Mukhtar was hanged before his followers in the concentration camp of Solluqon

[Excerpt from Wikipedia]

Al-Fatihah.

Well, Well, Well....

2009-09-01T21:17:00.002+08:00

Now that you've got the "advantage", I would like to see how far you'll go to justify your vindictiveness.

I have teeny bit of hope that you'll prove me wrong, though.

And we shall see....

Random Puasa Post

2009-08-26T15:48:00.002+08:00

Yesterday I was craving Sirap Bandung Ais Krim Soda for berbuka. So I dropped by JJ right after work and bought the ingredients for my own concoction of Sirap Bandung. Alhamdulillah, the Sirap Bandung Ais Krim Soda was a success. Eceh.

This morning I remembered that the baby potatoes in the fridge are left untouched. Even though I'm not much of a cook, I still got this urge to buy baby potatoes when I saw them at Cameron 2 weeks ago. I don't know what to do with them but I was thinking of turning those babies into potato salad.

We'll see how it will turned out. The pictures of the potato salad that I saw in the Internet made me soooo hungryy!!

p/s HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR FRIEND!

I Never Meant To Steal Your Thunder By Getting Sick

2009-08-20T00:03:00.003+08:00

I had another round of medical follow-up with my neurologist last week. The antibodies level and everything are still high. Thus, no chance of reducing the medications. I know steroids are cheaper, and they do control my disease really well, but they do a lot of damage as well. It sucks. My neurologist remained positive about it but she wouldn't declares that I'm into remission yet. I'm still having my "down' moments; walking around like I have an elephant resting on legs, right arm and chest. Sometimes I choked while swallowing food. Frustrating. Plus, I have to be extra careful with the spreading virus of H1N1 and don't overwhelm myself with unnecessary stress, physically or mentally. I keep telling myself I will get the hang of it and be patient. But it is just so hard because this disease is like a roller coaster to me. Some days I am more positive than others. Some days I just want to curl up on my bed and cry.

I'm not implying as if we're a subculture of some sort but no one really knows what we (people with disease) go through, unless they are one of us. Physically I looked normal but fatigue is no stranger to me. Some people thought that I was "lazy" when I chose to "just sit around". So although I know I have pushed myself (sometimes too far), others have no way of seeing that. I try not to let the comments bother me, but sometimes it still hurts to hear what others have to say. I guess I just have to get used to the fact that people aren't going to understand and try to surround myself with people that are more understanding. And speaking of understanding, I can now distinguish between "people who really understand" (they have much patience and supportive) and "people who pretends to understand" (inconsiderate and expect more of me). It's like my sixth sense. Now I only vent to certain people in my life about my disease.

Nahh, no point in getting angry. I pardoned the lack of understanding. I know Allah has some greater purpose in all of this. There will be better days eventually, when remission comes.

Therefore, those who are strong and healthy, always be thankful. If you think by being sick, people would give more attention to you, that's pathetic. If you're really think that you're sick, go get some help quickly. Why wait and keep yourself in the dark? Be careful what you wish for, Allah boleh bayar cash. Janganlah minta yang bukan-bukan.

Re-Caps For You

2009-08-09T22:49:00.006+08:00

Somebody wants to know what I did these past few days..so here you go ;)

Thursday (Gerhana Cinta Luka Untuk Bront Palarae)

Watched Setem with officemates, I came with no expectation at all but the movie was enjoyable. And out of the sudden, I have this HUGE crush on this actor not when he looked like this

But

Like this:

I wanna have your babies , serious like crazy..hahahhahaa

*Drool, swoon and pengsan for a while*

Friday (Risoles Gula Parsi)

Rushed home from work, got ready and off to Bukit Bint@ng with a trusted friend cum driver to attend a Persian+Indian wedding reception. It was an eye-opener for both of us kan? Though served a little bit late, the foods were scrumptious!

After the reception, we went to Kg. Bharu to meet up the usual Sate Padang suspects. Cik Cantik Manis Gula made a sedaplicious risoles. Thank you so much for the 2 kampit gul@ (Shhhh…dia ini ~~tokan~~ akauntan kilang gul@)

Oh enjoy your free trip to Bali, Along rasa!

Dan dia nampak anggun pada malam itu heheh

Saturday (40 Cawan Kopi Dan 2 Kawan)

Spend some quality time with Yooy and Kak Mek. I enjoyed our conversations immensely. Many million thanks to both of you!

Dinner with parents at a Chinese-Muslim restaurant. Sedaplicious too.

Sunday (Hari Stalking Bront Palarae Di Internet)

Spring cleaning my room, read, went online, iron work clothes and menjadi supir kepada Emak.

Hookayy...that's all for now. More stalking to do...hehehhee

Gara-gara Made In India

2009-08-04T14:24:00.005+08:00

Arakian, D-i-g-i menawarkan khidmat Caller Tune hingga menyebabkan saya telah memilih lagu Tamil untuk diperdengarkan kepada sesiapa yang menelefon saya. Selain itu juga, Group Caller Tune memudahkan saya untuk memastikan nombor bos saya tidak termasuk dalam senarai pendengar lagu Tamil apabila menelefon saya. Saya telah khaskan lagu yang agak sopan untuk bos saya.

Tetapiiiiiiiiiii...saya lupa yang bos saya mempunyai dua nombor telefon. Hari ini dia telah menelefon saya menggunakan henfon peribadinya. Maka dia telah mendengar lagu Tamil itu.

"Eiii..tu tadi tu lagu apa, Temi?!!" tanya bos saya dengan nada suara seperti tidak percaya. Saya berperwatakan skema di hadapan bos sebenarnya.

Saya tahu bos sudah trauma dengan saya. Saya juga sudah trauma, Bos.

Huwwaaa maluuuuuuuu.... *Bersembunyi di bawah meja sebentar*

I Hope I Won't Be Like You

2009-08-03T16:47:00.003+08:00

Thank you my good friend, Mr.Confidante for sharing these fine quotes with me.

- Speak when you're angry, and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret

Helps a lot to neutralize the urgency to hit back the outright verbal assaults, sarcastic, snide, demeaning comments, passive-aggressive comments, and pessimistic comments.

- You can accomplish by kindness what you cannot do by force
Applies to the rude and condescending.

- You have to act out your deepest conviction before anyone else will believe in you
And people will respect you, too.

Go figure!

Heh!

2009-07-27T22:20:00.004+08:00

It looks like old habit dies hard.

The same old thing happened again.

You will always remain the same.

But I no longer hold any resentment.

I just pity you.

Without Them, I Can't Breathe

2009-07-20T20:40:00.003+08:00

I'm proud to say that my relationship with my parents has grown much, much closer since I got sick. It seems natural to tell my parents about everyone and (almost) everything in my life. Because of that, I’m much calmer these days. Somebody once said to me, if you can't be honest to your own parents, you can never be honest to anyone. Now I pity those who depended on little white lies here and there to make other people listen to them or to be accepted or just to appear normal.

Anyhoodle, I was inclined to tell my parents about Perempuan Keliwon (PK) who thinks I'm jealous of her because of a guy. I didn't spare any details from them, even though some of the facts were against me. I admitted to them I did play some part that started the “friction”. And then of course, I received a very long lecture from my parents huhu but I was still able to hold a healthy discussion with them. My parents had dispensed a lot of good advice to me.

My parents made me promised that I won't fire up the animosity again. Mak said the crazy notion of jealousy probably evolved from that void in her life because she has no one to identify with. Since I have a lot of wonderful people in my life, I should have not wasting my time trying to infuriate her because it is so childish. Let her live in an illusion that her existence is worthy because someone is jealous of her. People with vulnerable self-esteem have the tendency to think that way. I will not be easily rattled with whatever she might do next.

Like Abah said, there's always a virtue in keeping cool.

The Pursuit Of Happy-ness

2009-07-11T15:18:00.005+08:00

Last week, I was shocked to discover that an old friend of mine, NA is now a divorcee. I never thought this kind of thing would happen to someone like her. You see, compared to me NA is a good muslimah, always been a smart student and has a masters degree. She met her ex-husband through an online Islamic forum and before they got married, she even performed istikharah. They were like a model couple among us. Sadly, after 6 years of marriage and 2 kids later it has come to this. Her ex-husband is not someone she thought she knew. Even though he's a sekolah pondok and UIA educated person, he neglected his duty as a husband.

However, my friend NA is truly a good person. Despite her sleepless nights of crying about her failed marriage, she accepts her fate with an open heart. She didn’t lose her faith in Allah The Almighty. Maybe this "test" is to erase her previous sins, who knows? In fact, she said to me that she is calmer and at peace with herself more than before. She believes that Allah has other plans for her.

Now kids, what should we learn from NA's story?

To those who define their happiness by being married to someone, think again. Be happy with yourself first, and always believe that you don’t need someone to make you feel special about yourself. So if you meet someone, be thankful to Allah and let that someone be an addition, not the answer to your happiness.

I know it's hard for some of us, being in the late 20's and still single. Sometimes we feel like a loser because loneliness is a pain that just won't go away. I'm not some kind of saint but one thing I know, always be grateful with what you have will make the pain bearable. We will never be happy if we keep comparing our lives with those who are married. If you think being unmarried is a problem, please remember that married people have their own sets of problem to deal with, too.

Kepada kawan,

Jangan letakkan perkahwinan sebagai matlamat kebahagiaan. Kalau dapat berkahwin, ada jaminankah kita akan bahagia? Atau kalau sudah takdir tak berkahwin sampai ke tua, bagaimana pula? Umur baru 20-an sudah tak tahan dugaan hidup solo, macam mana bila umur mencecah 30-an, 40-an dan seterusnya? Kita tidak tahu takdir kita, yang penting kita sentiasa redha dan tawakal kepada Yang Maha Esa.

[this is a reminder for myself too]

There's Always Something So Tragic, About A Hopeless Romantic

2009-06-15T23:41:00.005+08:00

Iris: And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual.

Source: The Holiday

*sigh*

This One-Way Feeling...

2009-06-02T00:09:00.003+08:00

I know that this blog looks incomplete in IE. I'm not in the mood to figure out why yet. So people, use Firefox!

On another note, making lasting friendships is a testament. If we're able to stand by each other through thick and thin and accepting every craziness, quirks or flaws, we'll learn soon enough how strong the friendship is.

Urm what else eh...

This is totally irrelevant but finally, I like someone. There I've said it. Pheww!

However, I think it's impossible. Huhu~

Delete Me, Hapus Aku

2009-05-26T00:16:00.004+08:00

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is one of my favorite movies and it never fails to make me shed a tear or two even though I've watched the movie countless timess. The opposite of the typical romantic Hollywood film, this movie brings me to such a personal level it hurts.

So if you have watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, you'd also be familiar with Lacuna Inc. In that movie, this company specializes in wiping specific memories away forever. Sometimes we'd surely feel trapped in the slippery, chaotic unpredictability of the worlds we construct from our memories and experiences. Just imagine if we have something like Lacuna Inc. in real life, instead of dealing with the pain and suffering of your past, you can erase people and moments from your memory, and move on with your life, without giving it another thought. Imagine your bad relationships can disappear. Your painful experiences blotted out. Your unbearable sorrows gone.

Of course in real life, no such thing thing as erasing memory is possible but watching this movie gives me what I secretly wish for, a chance to forget something that's hurt me in the past.

Memories, they don't fade easily.

Note to self: Next time don't listen to Nidji's Hapus Aku after watching Eternal Sunshine!

Dear Comot

2009-05-21T00:00:00.002+08:00

Dia mahu jadi penanam kobis suatu hari nanti

Even though you’re younger than us, and we bullied you a lot, (well, most of the time Shama m bullies you a lot) we actually love you and care about you so much. Personally, I think highly of you because you’re such an independent person and having lost both of your parents at young age, you survived this life. Therefore on your birthday, I pray to Allah that you will be granted all the hapiness in the world. Thank you for your support, you’ve become one of the most important people in my life. Whatever happens, be strong and remember, you have us!

Happy 17th Birthday!

Tips to stay younger like me: minus 10 years from your birthday hahah

I’ll see you tonight, eh? ;)

Immobile

2009-05-18T22:35:00.006+08:00

Emergency Ward, HSPSDG

Hi, how' s the world treating you?

I am now recuperating at home after being hospitalized (again!) for a week. It was a very shocking experience, I am probably still in denial about it.

All through out the week, I remained calm even though there might be possibility for me to be wheelchair-bound forever. I think it was because I don't want my parents especially my Mom to be so worried. I couldn't bear seeing my Mom crying.

Earlier tonight, I had dinner with 2 of my best friends since high school. We had a very profound conversation. For the first time since last week, I can finally cry. I cried and cried, sobbing, snot and all. But now I feel much better emotionally.

I'm so glad I have such wonderful people around me.

Don't worry, I am fine now. Refusing lumbar puncture is a big risk for me, but I can walk again. It was just a scare.

I hope.

Hello, Malaysia!

2009-04-29T21:52:00.004+08:00

I'm back with one extra suitcase and a Gigaful of pictures!

Kapan ke Jogja lagi?

Leaving On A Jet Plane

2009-04-22T22:29:00.001+08:00

All my bags are packed and I'm ready to go...

I'm off for a vacation tomorrow.

Good bye, Malaysia!

See you in a week, don't miss me okay? ;)

Setback

2009-04-17T20:27:00.002+08:00

Difficult time ahead.

At the moment, my mind goes blank.

But I know every cloud has a silver lining.

It's time for a change of scenery, I guess.

Thankfully, a much needed break is on the way.

About A Friend

2009-04-07T00:01:00.002+08:00

One of my beloved friend turns 18 (plus 10) today. After 7 years of knowing each other, I've realized that we've never gaduh-gaduh. Maybe there were minor disagreements but we never had a full blown confrontation and never had a not-speaking-to-each-other moment. She's one of the nicest and funniest friend. Although she has tons of other friends, she always tried her best to be there for me. Her kindness and emotional support during my tumultuous time last year will never ever be forgotten.

ROSE IS A FLOWER, THAT STAYS FOR AN HOUR.
BUT YOUR FRIENDSHIP HAS THE POWER
THAT WILL STAYS FOR EVER

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MY BELOVED FRIEND. MAY ALLAH BLESS YOU.

p/s luv ya, mwah mwah mumumumuwwwwaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Soon Baby, Soon

2009-04-06T16:06:00.002+08:00

In the spirit of the upcoming trip with my beloved friends, I came up with the new header.

Gloomy Is Not My Middle Name

2009-04-02T00:03:00.009+08:00

A friend from college had complained that she's tired reading the gloomy stuff that I wrote in this blog. Yeah, I guess she’s right. Any strangers who came across this blog would think that I'm full of melancholy. Huhuhu...

The problem is that I blog when I'm feeling down. Hence, the gloomy entry. Sorry, Zaa hehe

Some of you might asked, What ever happened to the promised entry that I spoke of before?

The truth is, I'm stuck half-way. Zaa, I know you had asked me to share that half-written part so that I'll have the motivation to continue my story. But I dunnolaa..

So anyway, I'm thinking joining my house mate's swimming class. But a fully-covered swimming attire is so freaking expensive!

I have a new hobby that requires sewing. I'm loving it!

And I think chic-lit is a genre that discriminating certain type of women. The protagonist will always be the one with great job and good look. So far I never read about a 5-pounds overweight account clerk who lives with a senile grandmother as the main heroine. Tsk tsk. Maybe I'm too cynical, too bored with cliches but enough of chic-lit. Switching back to murder/mystery fictions.

It's raining heavily outside and the winds are so strong. They made a spooky sound that you could always hear in horror movies. So cool!

I'm off for now. Be good people.

I Will Remember You, Will You Remember Me?

2009-03-28T23:56:00.001+08:00

4 years ago...

He was the only guy that I feel comfortable talking to. He didn’t change a bit when I told him that we couldn’t be more than just friend. Even if I was annoyed with his jokes sometimes, he never failed to make me smile at the end. He was patience with my emotional tantrums and my whining. He was everything a good friend could be.

I still couldn’t believe that he’s gone. He never said goodbye. I never had the chance to ask for forgiveness, to say thank you for being my friend and to tell him please don’t leave me. There’s a large hollow in my heart right now and it hurts too much. I tried to re-read Message Archive in Yahoo Messenger, to remember back everything he said to me. It hurts even more.

May Allah bless his soul and forgive him. Al-Fatihah…

In Loving Memory
Mohd. Nazib Zawawi
16 Jan 1980 – 28 March 2005

It has been 4 years and yet it feels like yesterday.

My memory is not as faithful to you as it used to be, but sometimes it still feels like I live in the shadow.

I miss you dearly.

Hang In

2009-03-15T22:58:00.004+08:00

At first I wrote a long entry about the recent complications of my health. When I re-read it again, it seems that I sounded whiny and ungrateful. There's a lot of sufferings in this world which are more worse compared to mine. So let’s talk about something mundane and obscure.

Out of curiosity and the free tickets offered by someone, I went to the so called first weekly concert of this one particular reality tv show. Thus, I missed seeing MANure Utd. got slaughtered by Liverpool!

Anyhoodle, my seat was so damn near the stage but nothing to boast about the concert even though I saw a lot of celebrities that night. I’m refraining myself from bitching about that attitude of some of them who were “bajet famous la tu” but I love, love, love watching broadcasting people at work. It’s all about timing.

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice

Oklah, that’s the update for now. Things will get better for me, and for you too. Ta.

Utterly Random

2009-02-18T00:28:00.002+08:00

I was thinking of a clever opening line for this entry but all I could think of was squirrel. I don't know why.

Okay moving on. You'd probably get bored hearing this, I actually have million things to say but as usual, I'm just plain lazy to blog. And after spending the day staring at the computer at work, I would rather doing something else when I got home. Like reading.

Vikram Chandra's Love and Longing In Bombay + Hot Coco = Bliss!

A week ago, one of my bestest, closest friend since Form 1, suddenly had to undergo an emergency operation to remove a cyst from the left side of her body. It was another painful moment for me. With me having had experience with operation and stuff, I still felt helpless watching her in pain. So I cried. And because it happened so suddenly, I thought I was losing her! In the midst of it all, while in pain, she comforted me and consoled me not to cry or worry too much even though it was supposed to be the other way round. I dunno why but nowadays I tend to be a crybaby when it comes to my loved ones. Huhu.

My best friend and I

It's all good now. She's recuperating. Alhamdulillah.

Oh by the way, 15th Feb last year, was the day I was hospitalized in neuro ward. Entry in progress, I'm not kidding this time. Stay tuned!

Just Married!

2009-02-05T22:52:00.006+08:00

Whew, I'm finally not tired hehe. January was a hectic month for me and my family because of the wedding. Not my wedding but my one and only baby sister’s. Alhamdulillah everything went well, almost everybody came, Cik Yan, Rogayah, Astuty, Hartini, even Mr.Tumnus and the beavers! Anyway, yeah so my baby sister got married first. Long ago I remember telling her that she doesn’t have to worry about me if she wants to get married first. We’re close since we're little and I guess my parents taught us well, siblings rivalry never existed in our dictionary. Physical and personality-wise, we’re different like the earth and the sky except for our tempers. It’s the Negri's trait I think. But she's more patient than me because I know I can be quite bossy sometimes. I will never ever forget how she took care of me during my hospital stays for the surgery. She bathe me, cleans my bedpan without complain and patiently waited for me for physiotherapy sessions. I love her so very much!

When we were young: Pengantin berambut ala Penan and Kakak Pengantin :D

As a teacher/engineer by education, she’s never been good in crafty, artsy-fartsy stuff. She can barely draw a stick figure. Suprisingly nak kahwin punya pasal, she decorated these hantaran all by herself.

My sister flashes her sweet smile minutes before nikah, isn’t she lovely? Wait till you see her young older sister muahahahhahaa

Us :)

p/s As pointed out by Ayu Kelopak (and her friend), the reason behind my not being married yet..kepupusan lelaki-lelaki berkualiti. Video di sini, Astaghfirullahalazim...

Inevitable

2009-01-26T19:03:00.000+08:00

After less than a year battling with colon cancer, my friend's father passed away today. I was there when he drew his last breath. It was a heartbreaking moment.

To my dearest friend, you know I love you and I'm always here for you. You’re a strong girl. I’m praying for your late father and your family.

My chest hurt, my dearest, beloved friend is sad. :(

Al-fatihah.

This Time Around

2009-01-05T00:00:00.003+08:00

Will Young - Changes

To me, the new Gregorian year starts on my birthday, which falls today . The song above is my anthem for this year's birthday. It conveys the feeling that I failed to express properly in writings.

10 years ago on this day, my boyfriend flew back from US to surprise me on my birthday. Back then I was young, happy in a relationship and healthy. However, my now ex-boyfriend is married to someone else and blessed with 2 daughters. I on the other hand, still young :P and diagnosed with a rare,chronic nerve disease that I've never heard of before. Relationship-wise, I still..to put it positively, haven't been picked, yet.

And I will never ever forget 2008. It was quite an eventful year. Within 1 year, I was hospitalized twice, went through an open heart surgery, experiencing a painful chest tube (and an enjoyable narcotics along the way..teehee), a much more painful Anesthesia Awareness, and saw 2 people (a Code Blue situation on one of them) die while in the hospital. (p/s I know, I’ve promised some of you to blog about this, sabar yea :D)

Therefore, I'm very much grateful and thankful to Allah The Almighty for letting me live through another year. Once again, Alhamdulillah.

Reeling Matter

2008-12-22T00:31:00.002+08:00

Through my best friend, I discovered the greatness of Persian films. Leila (Google please, am too lazy to provide links) is one of my favorite movies. I applauded the director for brilliantly evoked a romantic emotions between husband and wife without the actor and actress making physical contact to each other. No sex scene was required and yet it was so sensual. That's genius to me. Being able to be creative even with limitations.

And that's why I don't totally agree with the local movie-making business. Some people worshiped this one particular lady director for being gutsy in her films. Her films are good at some point. But the way she portrays Islam is a bit misleading to me. And let's not get into her many,many sexual innuendos. Though not explicit, it could be so irksome. I don't really see the Eastern values or identity in her films anyway.

Prude, conservative, closed-minded, whateverla. That's just my humble opinion. And you should watch more Persian films!

Tagged Again

2008-12-17T23:18:00.002+08:00

I've just realized that I had drafted this entry like a month ago. So since I have nothing clever to blog, I present you..a tag, tagged by Ms.Prudential! :P

Starting time : 11.56 am
Name : Temi Tyler Danes Kurkova
Sisters : 1
Brothers : 2
Shoe size : 6
Height : five four
Where do you live : intelligent city

Have you ever been on a plane : yep
Swam in the ocean : yep
Fallen asleep at school : of course!
Broken someone's heart : hhmm...probably
Fell off your chair : can't remember
Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call : yep..used to
Saved e-mails : yep
What is your room like : small
What’s right beside you: armoire
What is the last thing you ate : super slim cheddar cheese slice
Ever had...
Chicken pox : yep
Sore throat : yep
Stitches : oh my yes, 4 inches of them
Broken nose : nope

Do you...
Believe in love at first sight : not anymore

Who was/were...
The last person you danced with : probably my baby bro, during our karaoke session
Last made you smile : a colleague at work
You last yelled at : hhmm can't remember

Today did you...
Talk to someone you like : i generally like everyone at my work place so that would be yes
Kissed anyone : my parents' hands
Get sick : haha what a question...
Talk to an ex : nope
Miss someone : nope

Who do you really hate: hate is such a strong word
Do you like your hand-writing : always looks fine to me
Are your toe nails painted : nope

Whose bed other than yours would you rather sleep in : eric bana or james franco ngehehehehheee
What color shirt are you wearing now : grey
Are you a friendly person : moderately so

Do you have any pets : not fond of any domestic animals
Do you sleep with the TV on: sometimes
What are you doing right now : learning ABC, alif ye miim..buayeeeee :P
Can you handle the truth : yep
Are you closer to your mother or father : both i think

Do you eat healthy : i wish i could
Do you still have pictures of you & your ex : nope

If you're having a bad day, who are you most likely to go to : myself is my own comfort

Are you loud or quiet most of the time : quiet
Are you confident : depends on the situation

5 things I was doing 10 years ago:
1.IRC-ing
2.fall in love through IRC
3.was in a long-distance relationship
4.tak ingat
5.seriously tak ingat

5 things I would do if I were a billionaire:
1.make sure that my family has a comfortable life
2.send some of my relatives to perform hajj or umrah
3.set up an orphanage home
4.buy an audi car
5.pay someone to beat up siti nurhaliza (haha kidding la..tade idea ni)

5 of my bad habits:
1.easily irritated
2.impatient
3.spend too much time on the Internet
4.
5.

5 places I've lived/living:
1.pj
2.muddy banks
3.intelligent city
4.london (in my dreams)
5.geneva (also in my dreams)

5 people I tag: no one.

The Cities I'm Living

2008-12-09T02:07:00.002+08:00

A lof of people, especially my family and non-Uni friends had been questioning my decision to stay at this so-called "intelligent city". Having been living in a big city called “muddy banks” since I was a baby, I used to think I wouldn’t live anywhere but my beloved city. In those days, I couldn’t live without going to the malls and hang out with friends on weekends. Moreover, my home is so near to the city center and public transportations are very, very accessible. My parents taught me to board the public bus at the tender age of 9 so I saw the public bus evolved from Bas Sri Jaya to Bas Mini to Intrakota and finally RapidKL. I spent 5 years in a right-smack-in-the-city-all-girls-high-school (now say hello to pavilion) and 2 years diploma in another popular part of the city, I can safely say that I had my fair share of city life.

However, seasons change and so do people. My beloved city is now so dense, I wonder where are all these people came from? I’ve been avoiding any invitations to go out to the city on weekends, I hate the traffics and LRT rides are no longer enjoyable. I can’t remember when was the last time I took a bus because I don’t understand the bus system anymore!

When I first came to “intelligent city” for my degree, I didn’t like it at all and I went home every weekend. Now I’m so used to this place and I like it here. And so here I am, living in a quiet, stress-free “intelligent city”. Unlike my neighbourhood at my beloved city where we can find food stalls every 5 steps, the nearest goreng pisang stall is 8km away. The good part is, some good friends are here, my work place is just a 5 minutes drive (3 minutes if the traffic lights are being kind all the way) and certainly no traffics jams. It’s like being in a foreign land without actually going abroad (ewahh!!) because you can find mat sallehs, Arabs, iranians, Mongolians, whatever, during office lunch hour. Anyway, it’s only 45 minutes away from my hometown so I can always go home whenever I’m feeling homesick.

Putatan, Utan Aji or Buloh Kasap you name it, I think I can live in it. Hahahah poyo je...

p/s my wonderful header was designed by the lovely Ney! Thanx muahs muahs!

Reminiscence On a Rainy Night

2008-11-30T00:02:00.000+08:00

Gosh, it's the end of November already? My, how time flies. It reminds me of things that I went through, physically and emotionally, a year ago.

Now things are different. Though I'm still sick, I'm much more happier. No more secrets and hiding. No more emotionally dependent and abused. No regrets about it too because at least I got to learn the true nature of some people, even after so long. Alhamdulillah, I'm blessed with loving, the most patient and understanding family and friends. I can never thanked them enough for sticking up with me because I know I'm not the loveliest person in the world. Though it might sound too cliché, light at the end of the tunnel do exist. When some people went out of your life, there will be others who rise to the occasion, hold your hand and stand by your side through ups and downs.

Actually I've been making mental notes to blog about the events of 2008 in my life; the operation, hospital stays and most importantly, my health condition before those stuffs being totally forgotten from my mind. But I'm preoccupied with what else, real life. Since I have to get a lot of rest, I spent minimal time with lappy (my personal laptop) because dappy (desktop) consumed my energy at work. I know some of you are curious about my disease. No it's not multiple sclerosis but it's the less popular "sibling". Think Paris and Nicky Hilton. :)

p/s It's here!! Yippedo da yay!

The Cold Hard Truth

2008-11-25T18:22:00.000+08:00

You're not important enough.

Get over it and move on with your life.

Kids Nowadays

2008-11-11T15:15:00.002+08:00

Mitot is my neighour's 5 years old granddaughter. She's half malay, half chinese and sooooo adorably cute. Pinching her chubby cheeks is unavoidable. Moreover, she speaks flawless English, it makes me want to weep. Perplexingly, she refused to speak in Malay. When I spoke in Malay to her, she replied back in English.

However.

During a recent kenduri at my neighbour's house, Mitot's daddy spoke to her, “Mummy and I want to go home. Go call Bibik.”

And then Mitot's confidently said...

“Bibik, yuk ayuh pulang!”

Flawlessly, too...hahahahhahaa

What Do You Think?

2008-11-04T11:16:00.001+08:00

Right, I got bored doing stuff at work so I did something more useful. :D

Which Lord of the Rings Character Are You?
	You are Frodo. You're a bit of a wimp...but, if you must do something, you will overcome fears to do it. Even so, you are a caring person who likes to have friends. You don't look or think like you were born for greatness...but you never know!
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

What is your theme song?
	Your theme song is "Soak Up the Sun" - Sheryl Crow. You are a very laid back person. You let life happen and just go with it. You are optimistic and think the rest of the world needs to "lighten up" and just take it how it's given to you.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

Which Sesame Street Character Are You?
	You are part Big Bird. You are something of an eccentric, and not everyone always gives you credit for your inventiveness and intelligence. You may not always know everything, but people turn to you for your sound, unique logic. Plus, you have a big heart. Really big.
	You are part Oscar the Grouch. You can be gruff and often have a chip on your shoulder. Despite your intelligence, manners (and cleanliness) are of little importance to you. At the same time, you have a few very close friends who you allow to see a softer, kinder side of you.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

Which Hogwarts Class Would You Teach?
	You would teach Charms. You're definitely "charming"! You know exactly what to do or say and you are the perfect friend. You can easily get your way by flaunting that charm of yours in front of the right person.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

Humming The Humdrum Tune

2008-10-30T21:01:00.002+08:00

Sorry to disappoint you folks, there is nothing much to update in Temi-land. The aching tooth is fine now, there's no urgency to see a dentist, pheww. Today I had another appointment with the neurologist. Not so great news but I'm not dying or anything so don't you worry. Anyhow, my neurologist had given the green light for jogging, thus I better start soon as Raya is over. Need to get back in shape before I turned into a balloon. My toxic regiment is cruelly causing my weight to increase oh so rapidly. Eh, I have one more makan-makan invitation this Saturdaylah. Aiyoyoyo..

Sometimes it is sooo difficult to stay positive all the time but I keep reminding myself with one sentence: “It could've been worse!”

That's basically it. Bye, pumpkin pie.

Wisdom Won't Make It Through

2008-10-23T22:14:00.002+08:00

Even though I have gone through something physically painful with lots of blood, it seems that I might have to go through it again.

One of my tooth needs to be pulled out. I can't remember when was the last time I had my tooth pulled out. Probably never because all I remember is getting the cavities filled.

I had one of my third molars filled last year. Suddenly that darn molar started aching 2 days ago. Now the ache is lessening but I still chew on one side of the mouth only.

The other thing is, my disease is very reactive to several kinds of drugs. And I'm not sure whether Dental Anesthesia might be harmful to me so I have to ask my neurologist first.

For the time being, I'm praying that kumur-kumur dengan air garam works so I don't have to see a dentist. Agak-agak ada tak doktor gigi yang bagi morphine untuk tahan sakit? Heheh :D

My Hollywood Craps

2008-10-19T22:29:00.005+08:00

As I write this, it's raining heavily outside my window. On the inside, I'm waiting for my friend, Lipas to send me the installer of Photoshop through messenger. Let's just hope the file transfer will be a success because I really need it. The one that already installed in my Japanese lover (read: toshiba laptop) is behaving oddly, thus I think I need to reinstall the software.

There is nothing significant to blog about. But I have to keep all 3 of you, my loyal reader, entertained. Heheh. Even though there are few things that have been bugging my mind, I feel it's too private to disclose my personal matter here.

Anyway, my Dad said I spent too much time on the Internet. He said nowadays he rarely sees me curled up on the sofa reading a book. I think my Dad is right on the Internet part. But I still read, though. The Internet has millions of things for me to read. For example, in my browser's bookmarks there is one folder that I named “Hollywood Craps”. It 's basically anything related to Hollywood celebrities. Yeah I know reading celebrity gossip sapped my brain juice but who cares? Websites like thesuperficial and gofugyourself hooked me on almost everyday with their hilarious sarcasm. They really tickled the cockles of my heart. Those websites are so friggin' funny!

I could have tell you more about the other things that I like to read on the Internet but now I don't feel like telling anymore. So I want to watch a movie instead. Later alligator.

Sometimes There Are Other Ways To Express Your Feelings

2008-10-17T01:18:00.001+08:00

To let the creative juices flow, I tinkered around with Photoshop. Thus the new header. It was inspired by the Givenchy ads featuring my favorites actress, Liv Tyler. Red is not my favorite color though.

The weekend is here, more open houses for me. Yeay!

Take care, apple munchkins!

Having A Good Time

2008-10-13T16:52:00.002+08:00

In the past 3 days, I have eaten:
A sinfully delicious homemade nasi lemak,
Soto Ayam,
Agar-agar cendol
Mee Bandung
Rendang Utara with Ketupat Daun Palas
Trifle
Satay
Laksa Kelantan
Authentic Minang Dishes
Bakso
Chocolate Cake
Makaroni Goreng Seafood
Kuey Teow Hailam
Nasi Impit Kuah Kacang
Lemang Jagung
Roti Jala with Kari Daging
Nasi Beriyani
Kuih Bakar

I couldn't believe that I actually visited 7 houses in just 3 days despite the fatigue. Pheww. But I had a very good time! Alhamdulillah.

Allright moving on, Auntie Mossavi tagged me, so here goes:

1)You drive to work? I moonwalk to work
2)Favourite game? The Sims 2 and Uno
3)Favourite colour? all sorts of blue
4)How far from your office? arm's length
5)Do you have PA in your office? nope
6)Star? Capricorn..mbekk
7)Type of person … ie sensitive? Half elves
8)Education Level – Bachelor of Multimedia
9)Staff under you? - That long stick issit?Oh, currently on loan to Gandalf.
10)Time to office & back – unpredictable
11)Do u like swimming? - No because I don't know how to swim
12)Do u like golfing channel 815? - My dad does
13)from where ….. kampong? - rivendell
14)Sister & brother? - 1 sis, 2 bros. All younger.
15)Name most favourite song – Currently Superwoman by Alicia Keys
16)Best dishes cooked? - alamak, this is a difficult question since I can hardly recalled when was the last time I cooked for anybody..so next!
17)Choice of food – soupy hot and spicy
18)Dress : simple or high taste - high taste is overrated
19)Do you go for branded items? If Asadi counts as branded then my answer is Yes
20)Do you like shopping? NO
21)Where? N/A
22)Alone or accompanied? N/A
23)Country visited overseas so far? Saudi Arabia, China, Australia, Indonesia, Singapore, Czech Republic, Germany, France, Switzerland and Turkey. (okay I kinda made that up. those are countries visited so far by my parents but not me heheh)
24)U believe in experience comes knowledge or vice versa? I believe in fine balance of both experience and knowledge
25)What do u do during pastime? Fighting evil robots
26)May I say u r a successful working lady? Thank you for lying
27)Do u like slow dance? No I like belly dance
28)Do u socialise with people around u? Most of the time
29)Do u prefer baju kurung, simple & easy clothes to work? I prefer working in a long black cape, a black mask and a black cowboy hats with a sword.
30)Your height 5′ 3″ / weight 58 kgs – Slightly taller and thinner
31)Am I upsetting u with these questions? Not really
32)Do u prefer sea food or western set? both
33)Do u go to mamak stall for roti canai & teh tarik? Yeap since I was little.

Don't Get Me Wrong, Little Dumplings

2008-10-10T00:13:00.000+08:00

Okay some of my entries sounded a tad melancholy, yes? I didn't mean to be forlorn but this is the place where I can vent off my frustrations. It's better here than whining about my feelings to my family and friends all the time. Even though they are being very, very supportive so far, I don't want to bother them too much. Another thing, it is obvious that I don't have a language prowess. No matter how I tried to sound normal, somehow I ended up being gloomy.

I actually wanted to share my Raya anecdotes - how my frail, bedridden paternal grandma kept confusing me with the bibik, embarrassing moments when a 4 year old boy suddenly developed a huge crush on me and kissed my cheeks every 3 minutes or so, that time where I almost broke into a neng yatimah crying session during bermaaf-maafan with my parents, various absurd and funny stuffs the relatives said to me, oh a lot of other things.

But then again, with the attention span of grasshoppers on blogging, I'd keep forgetting to blog about the other happy, notable aspects of my life.

Retrospectively, I have made myself clear behind my purpose on blogging. Thus, I believe I shouldn't be defensive about the mundane matters that I wrote in this blog.

In real life,~~I look like Liv Tyler~~ I'm fairly normal and cheerful person with a bearable short-fused temper. Though I can't belly dance like Shakira to save my life, I can give you a hug anytime (not including golongan bukan muhrim).

Macaronies in Manjalara, Cookies in Kg.Bharu

2008-10-07T00:03:00.007+08:00

The title was inspired by the scrumptious Makaroni Goreng ~~Terlupa Sayur~~ cooked by Cik WRB Hitam and Maya Daybab's delicious cookies that I had over the weekend. However, the rest of the entry has nothing to do with it.

My first week of Raya was tinted with recurrences of the disease. More over, now I am experiencing extreme fatigueness (or is it fatiguabilitiy?), I get tired oh so easily even when I didn't exert myself at all. This kind of thing is to be expected though, my neurologist has discussed about it and I've read about it on online support group. Still it really sucks, not because it affects my mobility but seeing the worried look clouding over the faces of my beloved parents. But I tough it out by visiting my friends and having some of them over for Raya. I do wish my parents won't worry so much...

A relative suggested traditional healing to me. I am still contemplating about it since I'm a teeny bit skeptic on this matter. I cannot comprehend the logic behind all those pantang-larangs imposed by traditional healer but then again one has to try to know, right?

Scheduled for another appointment at the hospital tomorrow. We'll see how it goes lah. Won't dwell into this matter too much, another important aspect of my life requires my attention right now and emotional stress has to be avoided too. On the positive side, I'm not bedridden or anything so as usual it's all good :)

p/s if anyone knows any good traditional healer, let me know please. thank you.

Coming To An End

2008-09-29T15:17:00.002+08:00

You go through the days but still, it comes unexpectedly. Is Ramadhan coming to an end already? It seems that the world moves too fast even though I'm trying hard to keep up.

I've learned something throughout this month, nonetheless. Ramadhan is a decisive defeat on the ego, the rest of year must be spent whittling away at it. There is one regret though, I didn't control wisely the suppress anger that I had for so long to someone. But it's all good, after all this month is about self-reflection.

I will be going back to somewhere in the land of 9 states down south. My parents' hometowns situated only 20km from each other. We've been lucky to be able to celebrate the first Raya on both sides of the family. Alhamdulillah.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri to all 3 of you who read this blog.
Maaf Zahir Batin.

Eat well.

Tentang Temi: 10 Fakta

2008-09-26T11:42:00.005+08:00

Hai kawan-kawan, seorang budak separa kecil bernama Ney telah men'tag' saya di dalam blognya. Oleh kerana mahu memenuhi permintaannya di ambang Aidilfitiri ini, maka saya dengan berbesar hati membuat tag ini. Tag ini berbahasa Melayu, jadi saya harus meneruskannya dengan bahasa Melayu.

1.Sejak lahir lagi, jari manis tangan kiri adalah lebih pendek dari jari manis tangan kanan. Cikgu tusyen saya yang berbangsa Cina pernah menyatakan bahawa maksudnya saya ni banyak 'ong'. Tapi, maaf, saya tetap tidak dapat memberikan 4 nombor ekor kepada anda.

2.Saya suka membaca ruangan Obituary di dalam akhbar berbahasa Inggeris.

3.Mak saya orang Negeri Sembilan, tetapi pernah menetap 10 tahun di Kelantan semasa kecil. Jadi mak saya amat menyukai budaya, makanan, orang Kelantan. Entah kenapa sifat mak saya turun kepada saya. Saya juga mempunyai ramai kawan-kawan berasal dari Kelantan. Kalau saya ditemukan jodoh dengan orang Kelantan, pasti mak saya restu. hahah

4.Ada 2 syarat untuk saya berselera makan nasi. Pedas dan berkuah. Kalau tak pedas mesti berkuah. Kalau pedas tanpa kuah pun boleh. Kalau kedua-duanya sekali lagi syok!

5.Bulan Februari tahun ini saya telah disahkan memunyai penyakit lemah saraf yang pelik. Saya memang berniat hendak menulis mengenai penyakit ini secara terperinci tetapi masa tidak mengizinkan lagi. Mungkin selepas raya.

6.Saya pernah merasai narkotik yang hebat seperti morphine dan ketamine (syok woo naik ke langit!! hehehe), tapi itu hanya untuk menahan sakit selepas pembedahan pada Mei lepas.

7.Paling tidak suka sebarang aktiviti lasak atau pun bersukan. Tetapi berjaya belajar ilmu silat sampai tamat.

8.Seorang manusia 2 alam pernah cuba memberikan RM10 kepada saya kerana saya memanggil dia “Kakak”. Dia kata terharu dengan keikhlasan saya tetapi masa tu saya betul-betul ingat dia perempuan!

9.Nama Temi tidak ada kena-mengena dengan nama betul saya. Kononnya dulu saya bercadang nak bela ikan emas comel dan ikan itu akan dinamakan Temi. Namun sampai sekarang tak bela-bela pon.

10.Saya suka menonton rancangan masakan di tv tetapi saya jarang sekali memasak.

Sekarang saya mahu tag 3 orang rakan yang saya bakal jumpa pada petang ini untuk berbuka:
Cik WRB Hitam
Comot
Maya Daybab

Dan seorang rakan blogger:
Liyana

Does It Feels Good Having A Foam At Your Mouth?

2008-09-26T00:00:00.003+08:00

Wars can long for eons, usually when men without brains go all out for it; so people say. Because of it, young people dies from old people's politics; that's how it works, some people say. Every now and then, the more we bursts out our egos on spiteful tirade, the more attitude of ours will be visible to others, not for our friends to see but for our enemies to win without even picking up the gun.

Clearly, for every bullet that we shot to our enemies, just like empty vessels make the loudest sound, its just like shooting blanks. We can shoot all we want, we displayed retaliation in every possible way we can think of to our enemies (because it makes us feel “accomplished” if we showed our rage) but if the battle has no effect on them, they can always walk away unhurt.

Lucky

2008-09-23T14:21:00.002+08:00

My good friend, Encik Lipas wrote an inspiring entry in his blog. It's about being lucky. It reminds me that I'm still lucky too.

Back in 2006, she gave a talk in my Uni about her experience battling with breast cancer. I remember vividly that I cried listening to her talking about her worry leaving her husband and their 2 sons if she died. But she was full of energy and spirit. She's adamant to fight off the cancer. From that moment on, I followed her blog religiously. She has become one of my inspirations. She's a strong lady.

Unfortunately, the cancer is back and now spreading to dangerous places in her body. I cried every time I read her blog. I couldn't help it but my prayers are with her.

Things like that made me sit and ponder upon my life. I may be sick also but it's nothing compared to what she is experiencing. Alhamdulillah that despite being sick, I'm still able to live my life without too many complications.

Friends, please pray for her too.

Disgusted

2008-09-20T13:04:00.002+08:00

All this while, I know that you've been mean, inconsiderate and unprofessional to this one particular friend of mine. I also know that you've hurt this one particular friend of mine with your scathing words.

And yet you still have the audacity to ask her to accompany you to run your errands.

Consider yourself lucky that you still have this one particular friend of mine who you can count on because you're losing respect from everybody else at that place.

Now you know that I know, don't get back at her. You still have time to save the damage. Sudah-sudahlah tu.

Lost In Twilight

2008-09-17T00:50:00.005+08:00

OMG! OMG!

I am so obsessed with the Twilight series right now. Reading the first page of the first book (the series has 4 books); Twilight is like falling in love at first sight. Once you've fall, you're lost in it forever. It took me less than a day to finish up Twilight. Now I'm reading the second book, New Moon.

Lately, for some unfathomable reasons,reading the usual fictional romance or chic-lit books bores me. I even couldn't finish reading Cecelia Ahern's PS, I Love You that Ween gave it to me when I was in hospital. Then I found Twilight at Ms.Prudential's home two nights ago. It's like a breath of fresh air. The storyline quenches the yearning for something more interesting and intriguing to read.

Furthermore, one of the main characters, Edward Cullen has taken my fancy. He's sweet, a little bit masochistic but that's fine with me because otherwise he's just a sissy to me with his sweetness. I love the way he adores Bella (another protagonist of the series), the way he asks too many questions, the way he watches over her and ahhh I could go on and on about him. I am truly obsessed.

I wish to have someone like him for a lover but hey who am I kidding, right? No human matches Edward Cullen. I bet the author agrees with me on this matter because she didn't make Edward Cullen's character a normal human being in the first place. He's a vampire by the way.

The first book, Twilight has been turned into a movie. The movie had chosen Robert Pattinson (the guy who played Cedric Diggory character in Harry Potter movies) as Edward Cullen. A good choice, I must say. Can't hardly wait for the movie to come out. I hope it won't disappoints me.

ps, Thank you Ms.Prudential for lending the books to me :)

A Long Entry

2008-09-14T13:53:00.002+08:00

I was the first one to arrive at neuro clinic last Friday. A petite nurse called Mary greeted me with a cheerful good morning. Then she took my blood pressure and my weight while making a small chat with me. I waited for about 2 hours for my turn to meet my neurologist as she had ward rounds before meeting with appointments.

We discussed about my current condition, ptosis on my left eye. So I've been looking like a freak for about 2 weeks now. My left eyelid drooped so low sometimes I can barely open my left eye. It is such a hassle for my vision, there were times where I miscalculated my steps and stepped/stumbled onto something. I also slipped and almost fell twice. My poor ankles are getting swollen. When I'm out in the public, people stared and gave a weird look. I could even sense a pity look from some people. Now I know how it feels to be on the 'other' side. But still I braved my daily life with a style, a fake Armani sunnies to pacify my vanity. Heheh

When my turn came, my neurologist asked me to undergo another blood test. This time my blood had to be taken out from both arms because the nurse got nervous on the first attempt. While the tiny needle was halfway in my vein, her hands shook a little (pain!) and air bubble got into the syringe instead of blood. She apologized profusely to me saying that my veins are too small. I didn't mind at all because I've been told a lot that my veins are tiny. After that I hung around the neuro clinic waiting for the result with my feelings a little bit shaken. If the result don't look good, my neurologist told me that I have to be warded immediately and started an intravenous treatment. To kill the time, my beloved friends Comot and EditorAnne called me to cheer me up.

Thankfully my result was okay. But then came the mystery, what triggered my ptosis? Furthermore, the current medications are strong enough. It could probably happened from those times when I tried to fast, but it was only for a few days. My neurologist explained to me that this neuromuscular disease that I'm having is indeed a baffling one. She reminded me that it could've been worst, better ptosis than the disability to walk or even breath! The solution for now is to increase the dosage of the medications. So my battle with the side-effects continues...

To tell you truth I am actually frustrated, confused and sad because the ptosis has affected my self-esteem a little bit. However I put up a happy face for the sake of my parents. It breaks my heart to see them worry about me ever since I got sick. During our Sate Minang Gang post-berbuka conversation, Akak Daybab mentioned about positive energy. That's what I intend to do, staying positive.

Some of you would love to go around to everyone about your little sickness, because you think people give more attention if you're sick and you enjoy being sympathized. Put yourself in my shoes. I bet you won't like it. It's time for you to stop being too insecure and start counting your blessings.

After all, you're still healthy and look normal. So please, be thankful!

A Filler Entry

2008-09-08T23:03:00.000+08:00

Hey ho, yours truly is still breathing though not feeling too great, health-wise. Will only blog about it after my appointment with my neurologist this coming Friday.

I don't know about you guys but the weather lately has made me listen to 50 First Dates soundtrack on repeat . Somehow the tropical, Hawaiian feel of the soundtrack harmonized the damp, dreary weather. Some random thoughts/events/notes to share for no particular purpose. Here goes:

- Lenny Kravitz is a love song genius
- Mondok and Comot came and hang out with me on Saturday. Thanx for the Asam Laksa, Comot!
- Going to Ramadhan bazaar with friends is always entertaining
- I hate shopping for anything but I need a new pair of Raya shoes
- Rowena Ravenclaw is actually a nice name. Now it reminds me to finish up the last 2 books of Harry Potter.
- I have tons of ideas for a book but still can't bring myself to write properly.
- Akak Daybab, you're a lovely person and so does your brownies! (nak sikittt..heheh)
- Ney: habislah hang, ada orang dah tiru cara hang tulis/cakap (*gelak jahat)
- Why, after all these times, you still haven't realized that your attention-grabbing attitude is driving me crazy till I don't give a damn about how you feel or think because I think it's all fake.

Peace out.

I'm On Drugs

2008-08-29T00:02:00.008+08:00

Let me introduce you to those little suckers above. They entered my life since I've been diagnosed in February and have become a contradiction. Those are my medication drugs, among them is a high-powered steroid. They can cause harm to me but still they hold an important role in my life, to keep me healthy from the disease.

Hence, their appearance pose a new challenge in my life. I may not be able to fast at all on this coming Ramadhan. In the previous follow up, my neurologist has already warned me about this issue. She advised me not to skip medications especially this one particular pill that I have to take 5 times daily. For the past few weeks, I did my own experiments to prepare myself for Ramadhan. I skipped from taking my medications when it's due just to see if my body can handle it. As expected, my muscles got weak easily and the old bulbar symptoms like droopy eyelid (ptosis) came back. I don't really mind having a mild dysarthria because I'm not much of a talker nowadays. The other thing, I also started to choke a little bit when swallowing my own saliva (dysphagia). But when I had the difficulty to breath, it scares me. In order to feel and look normal, I have to depend on drugs. How messed up is that?!

Fasting is one of the things that I took for granted when I was truly healthy. After accepting the fact that I am sick, I regret for not valuing what Ramadhan has to offer before. I really want to feel the barakah of Ramadhan but now I might not be able to practice the essence of it which is fasting.

What if this is my last Ramadhan?

*sigh*

Have a blessed Ramadhan, everyone. Please pray for me, hati saya sayu...

Fixing It Back

2008-08-22T00:09:00.000+08:00

Tentang Kita
by Couple

Di manakah kaca yang beserpihan,
biar aku pijakkan
Di mana taufan yang
Bertiupan..
Biar aku hadapkan..
Kerna semua sudah tiada ertinya
Tentang cinta sudah tiada maknanya
Tentang kita elok dilupakan semuanya
aaa...uuuu...

Di mana laut yang
bergelora
Kan ku redah semua...
Di mana letaknya..
Cinta kita..
Kan ku pijak semua..
Kerna semua..sudah tiada ertinya
Tentang cinta sudah tiada maknanya
Tentang kita elok dilupakan semuanya..

Doing the right thing is always heartbreaking. But it will pass, it will pass...

Beneath The Magical Fireworks, I Bid My Goodbye

2008-08-21T01:32:00.002+08:00

For a while I thought what I felt was real. Truth be told, it wasn't. Everything was just so wrong even at the beginning. If there was some tinge of hope, it would still be unfair to everyone, especially me. I deserve so much better than this.

The temptation was still strong, but it's my dignity that I want to keep intact. I might be hurting right now but thinking about the consequences of my action does help a little bit. I consult no one but my own logic. Thus, came the painful decision with no regret.

I've decided to walk away. There was a moment of hesitation, like “What the heck am I doing?”. However, I didn't let myself be consumed by my irrational emotions. There is no turning back because it's for the best. Long ago, I made a vow not to be emotionally-dependent to anyone.

Bruised and vulnerable, my heart bleeds oh so painfully. But I still deserve a pat on the back because I did not shed any single tears!

I Promised Myself That I Would Be Good

2008-08-17T23:59:00.000+08:00

Hello! I don't feel like blogging about my weekend again. It was tiring but I had so much fun as always. I'll leave you with a song which has become my personal anthem. This song has a transcending lyrics albeit the melody sounded a little bit morose.

That I Would Be Good
by Alanis Morissette

That I would be good
even if I did nothing
That I would be good
even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good
if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good
even if I gained ten pounds

That I would be fine
even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good
if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great
if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand
if I was not all knowing

That I would be loved
even when I numb myself
That I would be good
even when I'm overwhelmed
That I would be loved
even when I was fuming
That I would be good
even if I was clingy

That I would be good
even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
whether with or without you

As If I Have Nothing Better To Do

2008-08-08T13:11:00.002+08:00

Feels like doing this meme after reading Ms.Prudential's blog.

13 random things you love: (in no particular order)
1.my family
2.my laptop
3.watching nurses and doctors at work
4.my friends
5.good foods
6.listening to the music before falling asleep
7.books (reading is like traveling without moving an inch)
8.talking to Juju (she's so funny!)
9.Sate Minang session
10.Being driven in a car, at night with the windows down
11.watching movies
12.chocolate
13.karaoke (singing off-key makes me feel better haha)

12 movies you like: (in no particular order)
Ouhh this is hard because I have tons of favorite movies!
1.The Namesake (a good adaptation from a book of similar title)
2.Failan (unusual storyline but believably tragic)
3.The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
4.The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
5.The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
6.Kandukondein Kandukondein (this is not a stereotypical Tamil movie!)
7.Leila (A Persian film.The director successfully evoked a romantic scene without the actor and actress making any physical contact to each other)
8.Chocolat
9.Sound of Music (who doesn't love this movie?)
11.Troy (Eric Bana in skirts!!)
12.Any Stephen Chow's movie

11 Band/Artists: (in no particular order)
1.Silverchair (been a fans since high school. I love you, Daniel Johns. Now that you're separated from Natalie Imbruglia, will you consider marrying me? Wuuhoo!)
2.Weezer (another fav. Band since high school)
3.Travis (I love their emo-ness!!)
4.U2
5.Padi
6.Dewa 19
7.The Cranberries
8.Coldplay
9.Naif (not very popular here in Malaysia but this Indo band has a very unique retro-like sound)
10.Foo Fighters
11.Maroon 5

Rock music rules!

10 things about you physically and personality wise:
1.Fair skin
2.Small hands
3.Hijabbed
4.I used to think myself as an extrovert, but after having a severe Dysarthria, I've become more introverted
5.Having said no.4, I've actually been diagnosed with a neuromuscular disease earlier this year
6.But, I feel much lighter and happier now
7.Easy to forgive, difficult to forget
8.Short-tempered
9.I like to observe people
10.I cannot tolerate any frequent juvenile behaviour of an adult

9 songs for your wedding: (in no particular order)
1.Takkan Ada Cinta Yang Lain – Titi Dj's version
2.Snow On The Sahara – Anggun
3.L.O.V.E – Michael Buble
4.Rossa – Wanita Yang Kau Pilih
5. Could I Have This Kiss Forever - Whitney Houston and Enrique Iglesias
6.Dreams – The Cranberries
7. Dialah Di Hati – Dato' CT ewahh!!
8. I'm Gonna Love You Forever – Jessica Simpson
9. Jangan Pisahkan – Deddy Dores & Mayang Sari

8 fav drinks/food: (in no particular order)
1.Vanilla Coke
2.Season's Ice Lemon Tea
3.Mcflurry Chocolate Cornetto
4.Neslo Ais
5.Tom Yam
6.Sate Minang
7.Char Kuey Teow
8.Dim Sum

7 things you always wear:
1.Erm you know, inner garments
2.Contact lens
3.Wrist watch
4.Deodorant
5.Talc
6.Body lotion
7.Clothes!

6 pet peeves : (in no particular order)
1.Men in sleeveless t-shirt, getting their food at eating places especially tempat nasi campur! Nanti gugur bulu-bulu ketiak masuk dalam lauk tau. Eeeuuww!
2.People who spits everywhere
3.Dato' CT latest fashion..bukak je lah tudung tu, heh!
4.Ella (yes, our so-called Ratu Rock) speaking in gedik-style broken English
5.I'm-older-so-I-know-better attitude
6.A person who goes out of character just to get attention from the opposite sex. Why can't we be ourselves, huh?

5 things you touch everyday: (in no particular order)
1.Myself (Hoi, jangan fikir bukan-bukan!)
2.My laptop
3.My handphone
4.Toothbrush
5.Facial cleanser

4 shows you watch: (in no particular order)
1.Grey's Anatomy
2.Heroes
3.Desperate Housewives
4. Any cooking shows

3 celebrities:
For what? My favorite?
1.Eric Bana
2.Claire Danes
3.Liv Tyler

2 current wishes:
1.To have more money so that my Dad doesn't have to work very hard
2. Studying/living abroad, preferably the UK

1 person you could spend the rest of your life with:
1. Sadly, no one in particular for now. Huhu.

I'm tagging:
1.Encik Lipas
2.Cik WRB Hitam
3.Budak Separa Kecik Nama Ney
4.Maya Nak Kawen

Your Insecurities Make You Emotionally Selfish

2008-08-07T00:42:00.004+08:00

I was thinking about blogging a personal, sensitive matter that had been hanging in midair for a quite some time. As I was surfing for some inspirations, I came across a quote that struck a chord.

Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other."
- Honore De balzac

For the record, I don't put the blame on anybody else. It's just that when I decided to swallow my pride I was fooled by the idea that things had passed, we've learned our mistakes and things will be like they used to. Sadly, I was wrong. I've resigned to the fact that some of us will always afraid to admit that they've gone too far with their behaviours. Thus, the overflowing gratitude, respect and adoration that I have, had turned into a sad disappointment.

Too many words that left unspoken drifted everyone apart.

Another Sunday

2008-08-04T19:15:00.001+08:00

Early in the morning, I received a SMS from a friend confirming my attendance in a birthday party. I managed to reply the sms with my eyes half open, declining the invitation because I had an exhaustive day yesterday. I have planned to relax on Sunday. After that, I continued sleeping for another 2 hours.

When I woke up, I did the usual routines. First, I checked the tabloid sections of a newspaper which full of the entertainment industry's latest gossips. Then I had a small breakfast alone because my parents had theirs at a mamak joint earlier. Late afternoon, I did some long overdue laundry while fixing up a simple lunch for me and my brother. My parents were already went out shopping by then.

The second half of the day was spent in my room, frolicking on my bed with a good book. Later I watched You Don't Mess With The Zohan on my laptop. It was a funny movie, I enjoyed it. But then again I'm such a huge Adam Sandler's fans, I might have a biased opinion hehehe. For dinner, we dined at a new Tom Yam joint on my suggestion. My Mom still preferred the green curry at her own favorite restaurant though. Then we got back, watched the telly together till late.

There you go, a day in my life. I feel blessed today albeit how ordinary it is. Whenever I feel down someday in the future, I can look back and appreciate the things that I had with my family.

That's What Friends Are For

2008-07-31T01:52:00.002+08:00

I've been toying with the idea of digital scrapping lately and finally tried one yesterday. Here's my first ever digital scrap, a tribute to Ms. Prudential.

(The picture was blurred on purpose)

More to come!

Heavy In The Heart

2008-07-30T01:24:00.001+08:00

Isn't it overwhelming to see your loved ones work so hard when they're not supposed to? At times like these, you'd hate yourself for not being able to do anything about it. You prayed hard with the hope that things will get easier for them.

--------

I wish I could buy the world.

*Sigh*

The Self-Defined Victim

2008-07-28T17:02:00.003+08:00

The self-defined, “Victim” writes his/her own history (along with keeping a now wary protective vigilance toward his/her future power structures by a practiced "marketing" of his/her "mistreatment" and/or "abuse." Support garnered through such projections provide outside support during rejection, separation or divorce potentials and isolates the falsely labeled "Victimizer" in his/her life).

Source: The Internet

All too familiar.

He's Gone

2008-07-25T23:36:00.004+08:00

I came to know about him from Yahoo News, last year. The news was about his "Last Lecture". From time to time, I keep updated about him through his website. Also, I was fortunate enough to watch him on Oprah.

When I logged on to the Internet a few minutes ago, I was shocked to see the news about his death at Yahoo.

Even though I never knew him let alone met him, I feel sad. He was such an inspiration. I am not going to blog more about him because his obituary at Yahoo News already did the justice.

Rest In Peace, Dr. Randy Pausch.

"...when you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering you to tell you anymore, that's a very bad place to be. Your critics are the ones telling you they still love you and care." — from The Last Lecture - Go figure!

To The Drama Queen

2008-07-24T15:39:00.002+08:00

I cannot help but smirk at your latest “manifesto”. I don't believe every single thing you said in that domain.

You're a phony.

I think you should stop faking every drama in your life.
Every stories in your life has been blown out of proportion, by you.

I truly pity you because you're still resort to sympathy for people to like you.

Haven't you realized that "people at that place" are tired of your dramas?

Much Ado About Weekend

2008-07-20T18:39:00.006+08:00

Yesterday was spent karaokeing with a bunch of friends. I think I'm becoming a karaoke addict. For the past 2 weeks, I've been karaokeing a lot. However it's not entirely my fault hehe because I have friends that are karaoke-holic too.

Also, this morning I went to Gabai with Juju and the Sate Minang Gang minus Ms. MetroJaya. Thank God I successfully climbed the 325 steps up to the waterfall! But now my legs are still shaking a bit from all those climbing. Anyway, there were a lot of people at such a small area and thus limiting my berendam activity. Furthermore, the water was sooo cold. An obscene view of Apek Cine in clinging boxer shorts *shudder* didn't spoil our appetite to enjoy the picnic foods. We had nasi lemak (imported all the way from Mak Wanjor, New Village) and Ms.Comot's scrumptious fried macaroni. We went back just before noon and I had a good rest after that.

Laters!

Happy 26th Birthday

2008-07-14T13:16:00.003+08:00

Before I was diagnosed, I already experiencing the early symptoms. However, I was so scared to see a doctor. In order to ease the heavy burden in my heart, I decided to confide to a very few people including my sister. That was a decision that I come to regret later because of the many incidents that happened after that. Nevertheless, at least now I know what type of friends I have. Amazingly, my sister was so understanding and patience though she didn't agree with my stubbornness. She never ever gave me a hard time during my stubborn moment. Plus, she never gloated that she was right or telling me I-told-you-so for not listening to her. Ungkit-mengungkit is not her style.

When I was in hospital, she stood by me and really took care of me.

This is why I appreciate her more. She's my one and only sister. My best friend. The only sisterhood that is real for me now. Nothing else matters anymore.

I love you so much, beloved sister!

Happy 26th Birthday

Staying Alive

2008-07-10T23:59:00.002+08:00

Today I had a routine follow-up at the neuro clinic. Dad dropped me off somewhere in the hospital area, very early in the morning. Thinking that I couldn't handle large crowds in the early hours, I avoided the hospital canteen and opted to have breakfast at a small cafe. As I sat alone having breakfast in the cafe, I noticed that the doctors had breakfast together, female nurses gossiping among themselves and male hospital attendants talked only about politics. Even in a different environment and time, segregation still exists, I guess.

Then I made my way to the clinic. The experience being in a neurology clinic is depressing, trust me. I mean no disrespect but I seeing many people with different kind of neuro disease is disheartening. Nonetheless, I am very much thankful to Allah, despite being sick, I am not as bad as other people that I saw at the clinic. Alhamdulillah.

However, things are still not doing so great for me. My recent blood test showed an unsatisfactory result therefore they cannot reduce my medications (I hate steroids!!) yet. My doctor is still optimistic, though. After that, I had another blood test at the clinic. The good thing is I'm so immune to needles, I don't feel much pain anymore. Will be going through another blood test soon. So yay, for me!

I actually wanted to write more, especially about suffering the side effects of my medications but that's another story. Later!

Disconnecting - Reconnecting

2008-07-06T21:02:00.001+08:00

With the insistence of my 2 friends, Mr.Eh and Mr.Ek, I attended a wedding reception with them. It was quite a surprise for my friends when I showed up as I am known with my disdain of attending wedding receptions. Ever since I got sick, this is my first time seeing a whole bunch of friends that I've been avoiding before. So I did a lot of catching up when I got there. Although they were glad to see me, some of my friends expressed their disappointment to me because I didn't inform them when I was really sick and being hospitalized.

I knew I have made a mistake. I underestimate and overestimate my friends. A very few that I thought I could count on, weren't exactly supportive (Maybe someday I'll blog about it). While those I'm so embarrassed to tell about my condition, were being very, very kind.

Consequently, my personal point of view about friendship has definitely changed. Albeit not withholding any hatred, I've had enough with that very few. That is why I've stopped to care. I do not wish to strengthen or maintain whatever 'strong bond' that we used to have. I try to be civil once in a while but most of the time, I just let nature takes it's course. Nevertheless, I am very much grateful with some of my friends (beloved Juju, BBmates, Sate Minang Gang, Mr.Cockroach and Ms.Prudential to name a few) for being exceptionally caring and understanding.

Finally, I'm happy to be among those whole bunch again.

Yeah, Whatever

2008-06-29T00:52:00.006+08:00

Look, if I were offended by an unreasonable behaviour of a friend or someone, what I would do is rant about it in this blog. But I don’t give a damn anymore.

In fact, I’ve stopped to care about a lot of people whom, sadly, used to hold my respect.

Sometimes immaturity does come with age and gender.

I hope someday you’ll be wise enough to read between the lines rather than take everything said at face value.

Grow up.

Has it really been a month?

2008-06-23T15:03:00.000+08:00

The last flake of skin from the operative scar is still waiting for the right time to come off. My chest still hurt a little bit and I cannot sneeze properly yet. I also ran out of breath easily when I started doing some stuff especially when I tried lifting heavy things.

Most importantly, the experience of being conscious halfway through the surgery is so surreal. It feels like it never happened. But it did happen to me. I remember feeling the indescribable pain as the surgeons were doing their stuff in my chest. It was so painful, more than you could ever imagine. I remember feeling helpless as I couldn't move and talk while the surgeons happily talking about going to Korea. I was only able to open my eyes but unfortunately, they covered my face with a cloth during the operation. I remember being so angry while in a deep, deep pain.

But I survived, alhamdulillah. I'm not saying that I have a strong character or anything because I cried a lot right after the surgery. When I was in ICU and still being intubated, I saw my Mom standing at the edge of my bed, I reached out for her hand and cried. It may sound strange, but all the pain seemed to subside when I touched my Mom's hand. Luckily, I had a wonderful nurse, a Filipino called Dorothy. She was very tender to me and she told me that I'm still alive and that's the only thing that matter. I guess her words stuck to me till now.

A friend told me about a film called Awake. The movie is almost similar with what I've been through. The proper term for it is Anesthetic Awareness. I've downloaded the movie but haven't watch it yet. Maybe I'll let you know how I feel about this movie later.

I'm off for now.