Reeling Matter

Through my best friend, I discovered the greatness of Persian films. Leila (Google please, am too lazy to provide links) is one of my favorite movies. I applauded the director for brilliantly evoked a romantic emotions between husband and wife without the actor and actress making physical contact to each other. No sex scene was required and yet it was so sensual. That's genius to me. Being able to be creative even with limitations.

And that's why I don't totally agree with the local movie-making business. Some people worshiped this one particular lady director for being gutsy in her films. Her films are good at some point. But the way she portrays Islam is a bit misleading to me. And let's not get into her many,many sexual innuendos. Though not explicit, it could be so irksome. I don't really see the Eastern values or identity in her films anyway.

Prude, conservative, closed-minded, whateverla. That's just my humble opinion. And you should watch more Persian films!

Tagged Again

I've just realized that I had drafted this entry like a month ago. So since I have nothing clever to blog, I present you..a tag, tagged by Ms.Prudential! :P

Starting time : 11.56 am
Name : Temi Tyler Danes Kurkova
Sisters : 1
Brothers : 2
Shoe size : 6
Height : five four
Where do you live : intelligent city

Have you ever been on a plane : yep
Swam in the ocean : yep
Fallen asleep at school : of course!
Broken someone's heart : hhmm...probably
Fell off your chair : can't remember
Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call : yep..used to
Saved e-mails : yep
What is your room like : small
What’s right beside you: armoire
What is the last thing you ate : super slim cheddar cheese slice
Ever had...
Chicken pox : yep
Sore throat : yep
Stitches : oh my yes, 4 inches of them
Broken nose : nope

Do you...
Believe in love at first sight : not anymore

Who was/were...
The last person you danced with : probably my baby bro, during our karaoke session
Last made you smile : a colleague at work
You last yelled at : hhmm can't remember

Today did you...
Talk to someone you like : i generally like everyone at my work place so that would be yes
Kissed anyone : my parents' hands
Get sick : haha what a question...
Talk to an ex : nope
Miss someone : nope

Who do you really hate: hate is such a strong word
Do you like your hand-writing : always looks fine to me
Are your toe nails painted : nope

Whose bed other than yours would you rather sleep in : eric bana or james franco ngehehehehheee
What color shirt are you wearing now : grey
Are you a friendly person : moderately so

Do you have any pets : not fond of any domestic animals
Do you sleep with the TV on: sometimes
What are you doing right now : learning ABC, alif ye miim..buayeeeee :P
Can you handle the truth : yep
Are you closer to your mother or father : both i think

Do you eat healthy : i wish i could
Do you still have pictures of you & your ex : nope

If you're having a bad day, who are you most likely to go to : myself is my own comfort

Are you loud or quiet most of the time : quiet
Are you confident : depends on the situation

5 things I was doing 10 years ago:
1.IRC-ing
2.fall in love through IRC
3.was in a long-distance relationship
4.tak ingat
5.seriously tak ingat


5 things I would do if I were a billionaire:
1.make sure that my family has a comfortable life
2.send some of my relatives to perform hajj or umrah
3.set up an orphanage home
4.buy an audi car
5.pay someone to beat up siti nurhaliza (haha kidding la..tade idea ni)

5 of my bad habits:
1.easily irritated
2.impatient
3.spend too much time on the Internet
4.
5.

5 places I've lived/living:
1.pj
2.muddy banks
3.intelligent city
4.london (in my dreams)
5.geneva (also in my dreams)

5 people I tag: no one.

The Cities I'm Living

A lof of people, especially my family and non-Uni friends had been questioning my decision to stay at this so-called "intelligent city". Having been living in a big city called “muddy banks” since I was a baby, I used to think I wouldn’t live anywhere but my beloved city. In those days, I couldn’t live without going to the malls and hang out with friends on weekends. Moreover, my home is so near to the city center and public transportations are very, very accessible. My parents taught me to board the public bus at the tender age of 9 so I saw the public bus evolved from Bas Sri Jaya to Bas Mini to Intrakota and finally RapidKL. I spent 5 years in a right-smack-in-the-city-all-girls-high-school (now say hello to pavilion) and 2 years diploma in another popular part of the city, I can safely say that I had my fair share of city life.

However, seasons change and so do people. My beloved city is now so dense, I wonder where are all these people came from? I’ve been avoiding any invitations to go out to the city on weekends, I hate the traffics and LRT rides are no longer enjoyable. I can’t remember when was the last time I took a bus because I don’t understand the bus system anymore!

When I first came to “intelligent city” for my degree, I didn’t like it at all and I went home every weekend. Now I’m so used to this place and I like it here. And so here I am, living in a quiet, stress-free “intelligent city”. Unlike my neighbourhood at my beloved city where we can find food stalls every 5 steps, the nearest goreng pisang stall is 8km away. The good part is, some good friends are here, my work place is just a 5 minutes drive (3 minutes if the traffic lights are being kind all the way) and certainly no traffics jams. It’s like being in a foreign land without actually going abroad (ewahh!!) because you can find mat sallehs, Arabs, iranians, Mongolians, whatever, during office lunch hour. Anyway, it’s only 45 minutes away from my hometown so I can always go home whenever I’m feeling homesick.

Putatan, Utan Aji or Buloh Kasap you name it, I think I can live in it. Hahahah poyo je...

p/s my wonderful header was designed by the lovely Ney! Thanx muahs muahs!

Reminiscence On a Rainy Night

Gosh, it's the end of November already? My, how time flies. It reminds me of things that I went through, physically and emotionally, a year ago.

Now things are different. Though I'm still sick, I'm much more happier. No more secrets and hiding. No more emotionally dependent and abused. No regrets about it too because at least I got to learn the true nature of some people, even after so long. Alhamdulillah, I'm blessed with loving, the most patient and understanding family and friends. I can never thanked them enough for sticking up with me because I know I'm not the loveliest person in the world. Though it might sound too cliché, light at the end of the tunnel do exist. When some people went out of your life, there will be others who rise to the occasion, hold your hand and stand by your side through ups and downs.

Actually I've been making mental notes to blog about the events of 2008 in my life; the operation, hospital stays and most importantly, my health condition before those stuffs being totally forgotten from my mind. But I'm preoccupied with what else, real life. Since I have to get a lot of rest, I spent minimal time with lappy (my personal laptop) because dappy (desktop) consumed my energy at work. I know some of you are curious about my disease. No it's not multiple sclerosis but it's the less popular "sibling". Think Paris and Nicky Hilton. :)

p/s It's here!! Yippedo da yay!

The Cold Hard Truth

You're not important enough.

Get over it and move on with your life.

Kids Nowadays

Mitot is my neighour's 5 years old granddaughter. She's half malay, half chinese and sooooo adorably cute. Pinching her chubby cheeks is unavoidable. Moreover, she speaks flawless English, it makes me want to weep. Perplexingly, she refused to speak in Malay. When I spoke in Malay to her, she replied back in English.

However.

During a recent kenduri at my neighbour's house, Mitot's daddy spoke to her, “Mummy and I want to go home. Go call Bibik.”

And then Mitot's confidently said...

“Bibik, yuk ayuh pulang!”

Flawlessly, too...hahahahhahaa

What Do You Think?

Right, I got bored doing stuff at work so I did something more useful. :D

Which Lord of the Rings Character Are You?
	You are Frodo. You're a bit of a wimp...but, if you must do something, you will overcome fears to do it. Even so, you are a caring person who likes to have friends. You don't look or think like you were born for greatness...but you never know!
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

What is your theme song?
	Your theme song is "Soak Up the Sun" - Sheryl Crow. You are a very laid back person. You let life happen and just go with it. You are optimistic and think the rest of the world needs to "lighten up" and just take it how it's given to you.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

Which Sesame Street Character Are You?
	You are part Big Bird. You are something of an eccentric, and not everyone always gives you credit for your inventiveness and intelligence. You may not always know everything, but people turn to you for your sound, unique logic. Plus, you have a big heart. Really big.
	You are part Oscar the Grouch. You can be gruff and often have a chip on your shoulder. Despite your intelligence, manners (and cleanliness) are of little importance to you. At the same time, you have a few very close friends who you allow to see a softer, kinder side of you.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

Which Hogwarts Class Would You Teach?
	You would teach Charms. You're definitely "charming"! You know exactly what to do or say and you are the perfect friend. You can easily get your way by flaunting that charm of yours in front of the right person.
Find Your Character @ BrainFall.com

Humming The Humdrum Tune

Sorry to disappoint you folks, there is nothing much to update in Temi-land. The aching tooth is fine now, there's no urgency to see a dentist, pheww. Today I had another appointment with the neurologist. Not so great news but I'm not dying or anything so don't you worry. Anyhow, my neurologist had given the green light for jogging, thus I better start soon as Raya is over. Need to get back in shape before I turned into a balloon. My toxic regiment is cruelly causing my weight to increase oh so rapidly. Eh, I have one more makan-makan invitation this Saturdaylah. Aiyoyoyo..

Sometimes it is sooo difficult to stay positive all the time but I keep reminding myself with one sentence: “It could've been worse!”

That's basically it. Bye, pumpkin pie.

Wisdom Won't Make It Through

Even though I have gone through something physically painful with lots of blood, it seems that I might have to go through it again.

One of my tooth needs to be pulled out. I can't remember when was the last time I had my tooth pulled out. Probably never because all I remember is getting the cavities filled.

I had one of my third molars filled last year. Suddenly that darn molar started aching 2 days ago. Now the ache is lessening but I still chew on one side of the mouth only.

The other thing is, my disease is very reactive to several kinds of drugs. And I'm not sure whether Dental Anesthesia might be harmful to me so I have to ask my neurologist first.

For the time being, I'm praying that kumur-kumur dengan air garam works so I don't have to see a dentist. Agak-agak ada tak doktor gigi yang bagi morphine untuk tahan sakit? Heheh :D

My Hollywood Craps

As I write this, it's raining heavily outside my window. On the inside, I'm waiting for my friend, Lipas to send me the installer of Photoshop through messenger. Let's just hope the file transfer will be a success because I really need it. The one that already installed in my Japanese lover (read: toshiba laptop) is behaving oddly, thus I think I need to reinstall the software.

There is nothing significant to blog about. But I have to keep all 3 of you, my loyal reader, entertained. Heheh. Even though there are few things that have been bugging my mind, I feel it's too private to disclose my personal matter here.

Anyway, my Dad said I spent too much time on the Internet. He said nowadays he rarely sees me curled up on the sofa reading a book. I think my Dad is right on the Internet part. But I still read, though. The Internet has millions of things for me to read. For example, in my browser's bookmarks there is one folder that I named “Hollywood Craps”. It 's basically anything related to Hollywood celebrities. Yeah I know reading celebrity gossip sapped my brain juice but who cares? Websites like thesuperficial and gofugyourself hooked me on almost everyday with their hilarious sarcasm. They really tickled the cockles of my heart. Those websites are so friggin' funny!

I could have tell you more about the other things that I like to read on the Internet but now I don't feel like telling anymore. So I want to watch a movie instead. Later alligator.

Sometimes There Are Other Ways To Express Your Feelings

To let the creative juices flow, I tinkered around with Photoshop. Thus the new header. It was inspired by the Givenchy ads featuring my favorites actress, Liv Tyler. Red is not my favorite color though.

The weekend is here, more open houses for me. Yeay!

Take care, apple munchkins!

Having A Good Time

In the past 3 days, I have eaten:
A sinfully delicious homemade nasi lemak,
Soto Ayam,
Agar-agar cendol
Mee Bandung
Rendang Utara with Ketupat Daun Palas
Trifle
Satay
Laksa Kelantan
Authentic Minang Dishes
Bakso
Chocolate Cake
Makaroni Goreng Seafood
Kuey Teow Hailam
Nasi Impit Kuah Kacang
Lemang Jagung
Roti Jala with Kari Daging
Nasi Beriyani
Kuih Bakar

I couldn't believe that I actually visited 7 houses in just 3 days despite the fatigue. Pheww. But I had a very good time! Alhamdulillah.

Allright moving on, Auntie Mossavi tagged me, so here goes:

1)You drive to work? I moonwalk to work
2)Favourite game? The Sims 2 and Uno
3)Favourite colour? all sorts of blue
4)How far from your office? arm's length
5)Do you have PA in your office? nope
6)Star? Capricorn..mbekk
7)Type of person … ie sensitive? Half elves
8)Education Level – Bachelor of Multimedia
9)Staff under you? - That long stick issit?Oh, currently on loan to Gandalf.
10)Time to office & back – unpredictable
11)Do u like swimming? - No because I don't know how to swim
12)Do u like golfing channel 815? - My dad does
13)from where ….. kampong? - rivendell
14)Sister & brother? - 1 sis, 2 bros. All younger.
15)Name most favourite song – Currently Superwoman by Alicia Keys
16)Best dishes cooked? - alamak, this is a difficult question since I can hardly recalled when was the last time I cooked for anybody..so next!
17)Choice of food – soupy hot and spicy
18)Dress : simple or high taste - high taste is overrated
19)Do you go for branded items? If Asadi counts as branded then my answer is Yes
20)Do you like shopping? NO
21)Where? N/A
22)Alone or accompanied? N/A
23)Country visited overseas so far? Saudi Arabia, China, Australia, Indonesia, Singapore, Czech Republic, Germany, France, Switzerland and Turkey. (okay I kinda made that up. those are countries visited so far by my parents but not me heheh)
24)U believe in experience comes knowledge or vice versa? I believe in fine balance of both experience and knowledge
25)What do u do during pastime? Fighting evil robots
26)May I say u r a successful working lady? Thank you for lying
27)Do u like slow dance? No I like belly dance
28)Do u socialise with people around u? Most of the time
29)Do u prefer baju kurung, simple & easy clothes to work? I prefer working in a long black cape, a black mask and a black cowboy hats with a sword.
30)Your height 5′ 3″ / weight 58 kgs – Slightly taller and thinner
31)Am I upsetting u with these questions? Not really
32)Do u prefer sea food or western set? both
33)Do u go to mamak stall for roti canai & teh tarik? Yeap since I was little.

Don't Get Me Wrong, Little Dumplings

Okay some of my entries sounded a tad melancholy, yes? I didn't mean to be forlorn but this is the place where I can vent off my frustrations. It's better here than whining about my feelings to my family and friends all the time. Even though they are being very, very supportive so far, I don't want to bother them too much. Another thing, it is obvious that I don't have a language prowess. No matter how I tried to sound normal, somehow I ended up being gloomy.

I actually wanted to share my Raya anecdotes - how my frail, bedridden paternal grandma kept confusing me with the bibik, embarrassing moments when a 4 year old boy suddenly developed a huge crush on me and kissed my cheeks every 3 minutes or so, that time where I almost broke into a neng yatimah crying session during bermaaf-maafan with my parents, various absurd and funny stuffs the relatives said to me, oh a lot of other things.

But then again, with the attention span of grasshoppers on blogging, I'd keep forgetting to blog about the other happy, notable aspects of my life.

Retrospectively, I have made myself clear behind my purpose on blogging. Thus, I believe I shouldn't be defensive about the mundane matters that I wrote in this blog.

In real life,I look like Liv Tyler I'm fairly normal and cheerful person with a bearable short-fused temper. Though I can't belly dance like Shakira to save my life, I can give you a hug anytime (not including golongan bukan muhrim).

Macaronies in Manjalara, Cookies in Kg.Bharu

The title was inspired by the scrumptious Makaroni Goreng Terlupa Sayur cooked by Cik WRB Hitam and Maya Daybab's delicious cookies that I had over the weekend. However, the rest of the entry has nothing to do with it.

My first week of Raya was tinted with recurrences of the disease. More over, now I am experiencing extreme fatigueness (or is it fatiguabilitiy?), I get tired oh so easily even when I didn't exert myself at all. This kind of thing is to be expected though, my neurologist has discussed about it and I've read about it on online support group. Still it really sucks, not because it affects my mobility but seeing the worried look clouding over the faces of my beloved parents. But I tough it out by visiting my friends and having some of them over for Raya. I do wish my parents won't worry so much...

A relative suggested traditional healing to me. I am still contemplating about it since I'm a teeny bit skeptic on this matter. I cannot comprehend the logic behind all those pantang-larangs imposed by traditional healer but then again one has to try to know, right?

Scheduled for another appointment at the hospital tomorrow. We'll see how it goes lah. Won't dwell into this matter too much, another important aspect of my life requires my attention right now and emotional stress has to be avoided too. On the positive side, I'm not bedridden or anything so as usual it's all good :)

p/s if anyone knows any good traditional healer, let me know please. thank you.

Coming To An End

You go through the days but still, it comes unexpectedly. Is Ramadhan coming to an end already? It seems that the world moves too fast even though I'm trying hard to keep up.

I've learned something throughout this month, nonetheless. Ramadhan is a decisive defeat on the ego, the rest of year must be spent whittling away at it. There is one regret though, I didn't control wisely the suppress anger that I had for so long to someone. But it's all good, after all this month is about self-reflection.

I will be going back to somewhere in the land of 9 states down south. My parents' hometowns situated only 20km from each other. We've been lucky to be able to celebrate the first Raya on both sides of the family. Alhamdulillah.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri to all 3 of you who read this blog.
Maaf Zahir Batin.

Eat well.

Tentang Temi: 10 Fakta

Hai kawan-kawan, seorang budak separa kecil bernama Ney telah men'tag' saya di dalam blognya. Oleh kerana mahu memenuhi permintaannya di ambang Aidilfitiri ini, maka saya dengan berbesar hati membuat tag ini. Tag ini berbahasa Melayu, jadi saya harus meneruskannya dengan bahasa Melayu.


1.Sejak lahir lagi, jari manis tangan kiri adalah lebih pendek dari jari manis tangan kanan. Cikgu tusyen saya yang berbangsa Cina pernah menyatakan bahawa maksudnya saya ni banyak 'ong'. Tapi, maaf, saya tetap tidak dapat memberikan 4 nombor ekor kepada anda.

2.Saya suka membaca ruangan Obituary di dalam akhbar berbahasa Inggeris.

3.Mak saya orang Negeri Sembilan, tetapi pernah menetap 10 tahun di Kelantan semasa kecil. Jadi mak saya amat menyukai budaya, makanan, orang Kelantan. Entah kenapa sifat mak saya turun kepada saya. Saya juga mempunyai ramai kawan-kawan berasal dari Kelantan. Kalau saya ditemukan jodoh dengan orang Kelantan, pasti mak saya restu. hahah

4.Ada 2 syarat untuk saya berselera makan nasi. Pedas dan berkuah. Kalau tak pedas mesti berkuah. Kalau pedas tanpa kuah pun boleh. Kalau kedua-duanya sekali lagi syok!

5.Bulan Februari tahun ini saya telah disahkan memunyai penyakit lemah saraf yang pelik. Saya memang berniat hendak menulis mengenai penyakit ini secara terperinci tetapi masa tidak mengizinkan lagi. Mungkin selepas raya.

6.Saya pernah merasai narkotik yang hebat seperti morphine dan ketamine (syok woo naik ke langit!! hehehe), tapi itu hanya untuk menahan sakit selepas pembedahan pada Mei lepas.

7.Paling tidak suka sebarang aktiviti lasak atau pun bersukan. Tetapi berjaya belajar ilmu silat sampai tamat.

8.Seorang manusia 2 alam pernah cuba memberikan RM10 kepada saya kerana saya memanggil dia “Kakak”. Dia kata terharu dengan keikhlasan saya tetapi masa tu saya betul-betul ingat dia perempuan!

9.Nama Temi tidak ada kena-mengena dengan nama betul saya. Kononnya dulu saya bercadang nak bela ikan emas comel dan ikan itu akan dinamakan Temi. Namun sampai sekarang tak bela-bela pon.

10.Saya suka menonton rancangan masakan di tv tetapi saya jarang sekali memasak.

Sekarang saya mahu tag 3 orang rakan yang saya bakal jumpa pada petang ini untuk berbuka:
Cik WRB Hitam
Comot
Maya Daybab

Dan seorang rakan blogger:
Liyana

Does It Feels Good Having A Foam At Your Mouth?

Wars can long for eons, usually when men without brains go all out for it; so people say. Because of it, young people dies from old people's politics; that's how it works, some people say. Every now and then, the more we bursts out our egos on spiteful tirade, the more attitude of ours will be visible to others, not for our friends to see but for our enemies to win without even picking up the gun.

Clearly, for every bullet that we shot to our enemies, just like empty vessels make the loudest sound, its just like shooting blanks. We can shoot all we want, we displayed retaliation in every possible way we can think of to our enemies (because it makes us feel “accomplished” if we showed our rage) but if the battle has no effect on them, they can always walk away unhurt.

Lucky

My good friend, Encik Lipas wrote an inspiring entry in his blog. It's about being lucky. It reminds me that I'm still lucky too.

Back in 2006, she gave a talk in my Uni about her experience battling with breast cancer. I remember vividly that I cried listening to her talking about her worry leaving her husband and their 2 sons if she died. But she was full of energy and spirit. She's adamant to fight off the cancer. From that moment on, I followed her blog religiously. She has become one of my inspirations. She's a strong lady.

Unfortunately, the cancer is back and now spreading to dangerous places in her body. I cried every time I read her blog. I couldn't help it but my prayers are with her.

Things like that made me sit and ponder upon my life. I may be sick also but it's nothing compared to what she is experiencing. Alhamdulillah that despite being sick, I'm still able to live my life without too many complications.

Friends, please pray for her too.

Disgusted

All this while, I know that you've been mean, inconsiderate and unprofessional to this one particular friend of mine. I also know that you've hurt this one particular friend of mine with your scathing words.

And yet you still have the audacity to ask her to accompany you to run your errands.

Consider yourself lucky that you still have this one particular friend of mine who you can count on because you're losing respect from everybody else at that place.

Now you know that I know, don't get back at her. You still have time to save the damage. Sudah-sudahlah tu.

Lost In Twilight

OMG! OMG!

I am so obsessed with the Twilight series right now. Reading the first page of the first book (the series has 4 books); Twilight is like falling in love at first sight. Once you've fall, you're lost in it forever. It took me less than a day to finish up Twilight. Now I'm reading the second book, New Moon.

Lately, for some unfathomable reasons,reading the usual fictional romance or chic-lit books bores me. I even couldn't finish reading Cecelia Ahern's PS, I Love You that Ween gave it to me when I was in hospital. Then I found Twilight at Ms.Prudential's home two nights ago. It's like a breath of fresh air. The storyline quenches the yearning for something more interesting and intriguing to read.

Furthermore, one of the main characters, Edward Cullen has taken my fancy. He's sweet, a little bit masochistic but that's fine with me because otherwise he's just a sissy to me with his sweetness. I love the way he adores Bella (another protagonist of the series), the way he asks too many questions, the way he watches over her and ahhh I could go on and on about him. I am truly obsessed.

I wish to have someone like him for a lover but hey who am I kidding, right? No human matches Edward Cullen. I bet the author agrees with me on this matter because she didn't make Edward Cullen's character a normal human being in the first place. He's a vampire by the way.

The first book, Twilight has been turned into a movie. The movie had chosen Robert Pattinson (the guy who played Cedric Diggory character in Harry Potter movies) as Edward Cullen. A good choice, I must say. Can't hardly wait for the movie to come out. I hope it won't disappoints me.

ps, Thank you Ms.Prudential for lending the books to me :)

A Long Entry

I was the first one to arrive at neuro clinic last Friday. A petite nurse called Mary greeted me with a cheerful good morning. Then she took my blood pressure and my weight while making a small chat with me. I waited for about 2 hours for my turn to meet my neurologist as she had ward rounds before meeting with appointments.

We discussed about my current condition, ptosis on my left eye. So I've been looking like a freak for about 2 weeks now. My left eyelid drooped so low sometimes I can barely open my left eye. It is such a hassle for my vision, there were times where I miscalculated my steps and stepped/stumbled onto something. I also slipped and almost fell twice. My poor ankles are getting swollen. When I'm out in the public, people stared and gave a weird look. I could even sense a pity look from some people. Now I know how it feels to be on the 'other' side. But still I braved my daily life with a style, a fake Armani sunnies to pacify my vanity. Heheh

When my turn came, my neurologist asked me to undergo another blood test. This time my blood had to be taken out from both arms because the nurse got nervous on the first attempt. While the tiny needle was halfway in my vein, her hands shook a little (pain!) and air bubble got into the syringe instead of blood. She apologized profusely to me saying that my veins are too small. I didn't mind at all because I've been told a lot that my veins are tiny. After that I hung around the neuro clinic waiting for the result with my feelings a little bit shaken. If the result don't look good, my neurologist told me that I have to be warded immediately and started an intravenous treatment. To kill the time, my beloved friends Comot and EditorAnne called me to cheer me up.

Thankfully my result was okay. But then came the mystery, what triggered my ptosis? Furthermore, the current medications are strong enough. It could probably happened from those times when I tried to fast, but it was only for a few days. My neurologist explained to me that this neuromuscular disease that I'm having is indeed a baffling one. She reminded me that it could've been worst, better ptosis than the disability to walk or even breath! The solution for now is to increase the dosage of the medications. So my battle with the side-effects continues...

To tell you truth I am actually frustrated, confused and sad because the ptosis has affected my self-esteem a little bit. However I put up a happy face for the sake of my parents. It breaks my heart to see them worry about me ever since I got sick. During our Sate Minang Gang post-berbuka conversation, Akak Daybab mentioned about positive energy. That's what I intend to do, staying positive.

Some of you would love to go around to everyone about your little sickness, because you think people give more attention if you're sick and you enjoy being sympathized. Put yourself in my shoes. I bet you won't like it. It's time for you to stop being too insecure and start counting your blessings.

After all, you're still healthy and look normal. So please, be thankful!

A Filler Entry

Hey ho, yours truly is still breathing though not feeling too great, health-wise. Will only blog about it after my appointment with my neurologist this coming Friday.

I don't know about you guys but the weather lately has made me listen to 50 First Dates soundtrack on repeat . Somehow the tropical, Hawaiian feel of the soundtrack harmonized the damp, dreary weather. Some random thoughts/events/notes to share for no particular purpose. Here goes:

- Lenny Kravitz is a love song genius
- Mondok and Comot came and hang out with me on Saturday. Thanx for the Asam Laksa, Comot!
- Going to Ramadhan bazaar with friends is always entertaining
- I hate shopping for anything but I need a new pair of Raya shoes
- Rowena Ravenclaw is actually a nice name. Now it reminds me to finish up the last 2 books of Harry Potter.
- I have tons of ideas for a book but still can't bring myself to write properly.
- Akak Daybab, you're a lovely person and so does your brownies! (nak sikittt..heheh)
- Ney: habislah hang, ada orang dah tiru cara hang tulis/cakap (*gelak jahat)
- Why, after all these times, you still haven't realized that your attention-grabbing attitude is driving me crazy till I don't give a damn about how you feel or think because I think it's all fake.

Peace out.

I'm On Drugs

Let me introduce you to those little suckers above. They entered my life since I've been diagnosed in February and have become a contradiction. Those are my medication drugs, among them is a high-powered steroid. They can cause harm to me but still they hold an important role in my life, to keep me healthy from the disease.

Hence, their appearance pose a new challenge in my life. I may not be able to fast at all on this coming Ramadhan. In the previous follow up, my neurologist has already warned me about this issue. She advised me not to skip medications especially this one particular pill that I have to take 5 times daily. For the past few weeks, I did my own experiments to prepare myself for Ramadhan. I skipped from taking my medications when it's due just to see if my body can handle it. As expected, my muscles got weak easily and the old bulbar symptoms like droopy eyelid (ptosis) came back. I don't really mind having a mild dysarthria because I'm not much of a talker nowadays. The other thing, I also started to choke a little bit when swallowing my own saliva (dysphagia). But when I had the difficulty to breath, it scares me. In order to feel and look normal, I have to depend on drugs. How messed up is that?!

Fasting is one of the things that I took for granted when I was truly healthy. After accepting the fact that I am sick, I regret for not valuing what Ramadhan has to offer before. I really want to feel the barakah of Ramadhan but now I might not be able to practice the essence of it which is fasting.

What if this is my last Ramadhan?

*sigh*

Have a blessed Ramadhan, everyone. Please pray for me, hati saya sayu...

Fixing It Back

Tentang Kita
by Couple

Di manakah kaca yang beserpihan,
biar aku pijakkan
Di mana taufan yang
Bertiupan..
Biar aku hadapkan..
Kerna semua sudah tiada ertinya
Tentang cinta sudah tiada maknanya
Tentang kita elok dilupakan semuanya
aaa...uuuu...

Di mana laut yang
bergelora
Kan ku redah semua...
Di mana letaknya..
Cinta kita..
Kan ku pijak semua..
Kerna semua..sudah tiada ertinya
Tentang cinta sudah tiada maknanya
Tentang kita elok dilupakan semuanya..

Doing the right thing is always heartbreaking. But it will pass, it will pass...

Beneath The Magical Fireworks, I Bid My Goodbye

For a while I thought what I felt was real. Truth be told, it wasn't. Everything was just so wrong even at the beginning. If there was some tinge of hope, it would still be unfair to everyone, especially me. I deserve so much better than this.

The temptation was still strong, but it's my dignity that I want to keep intact. I might be hurting right now but thinking about the consequences of my action does help a little bit. I consult no one but my own logic. Thus, came the painful decision with no regret.

I've decided to walk away. There was a moment of hesitation, like “What the heck am I doing?”. However, I didn't let myself be consumed by my irrational emotions. There is no turning back because it's for the best. Long ago, I made a vow not to be emotionally-dependent to anyone.

Bruised and vulnerable, my heart bleeds oh so painfully. But I still deserve a pat on the back because I did not shed any single tears!

I Promised Myself That I Would Be Good

Hello! I don't feel like blogging about my weekend again. It was tiring but I had so much fun as always. I'll leave you with a song which has become my personal anthem. This song has a transcending lyrics albeit the melody sounded a little bit morose.

That I Would Be Good
by Alanis Morissette

That I would be good
even if I did nothing
That I would be good
even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good
if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good
even if I gained ten pounds

That I would be fine
even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good
if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great
if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand
if I was not all knowing

That I would be loved
even when I numb myself
That I would be good
even when I'm overwhelmed
That I would be loved
even when I was fuming
That I would be good
even if I was clingy

That I would be good
even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
whether with or without you

As If I Have Nothing Better To Do

Feels like doing this meme after reading Ms.Prudential's blog.

13 random things you love: (in no particular order)
1.my family
2.my laptop
3.watching nurses and doctors at work
4.my friends
5.good foods
6.listening to the music before falling asleep
7.books (reading is like traveling without moving an inch)
8.talking to Juju (she's so funny!)
9.Sate Minang session
10.Being driven in a car, at night with the windows down
11.watching movies
12.chocolate
13.karaoke (singing off-key makes me feel better haha)

12 movies you like: (in no particular order)
Ouhh this is hard because I have tons of favorite movies!
1.The Namesake (a good adaptation from a book of similar title)
2.Failan (unusual storyline but believably tragic)
3.The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
4.The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
5.The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
6.Kandukondein Kandukondein (this is not a stereotypical Tamil movie!)
7.Leila (A Persian film.The director successfully evoked a romantic scene without the actor and actress making any physical contact to each other)
8.Chocolat
9.Sound of Music (who doesn't love this movie?)
11.Troy (Eric Bana in skirts!!)
12.Any Stephen Chow's movie

11 Band/Artists: (in no particular order)
1.Silverchair (been a fans since high school. I love you, Daniel Johns. Now that you're separated from Natalie Imbruglia, will you consider marrying me? Wuuhoo!)
2.Weezer (another fav. Band since high school)
3.Travis (I love their emo-ness!!)
4.U2
5.Padi
6.Dewa 19
7.The Cranberries
8.Coldplay
9.Naif (not very popular here in Malaysia but this Indo band has a very unique retro-like sound)
10.Foo Fighters
11.Maroon 5

Rock music rules!

10 things about you physically and personality wise:
1.Fair skin
2.Small hands
3.Hijabbed
4.I used to think myself as an extrovert, but after having a severe Dysarthria, I've become more introverted
5.Having said no.4, I've actually been diagnosed with a neuromuscular disease earlier this year
6.But, I feel much lighter and happier now
7.Easy to forgive, difficult to forget
8.Short-tempered
9.I like to observe people
10.I cannot tolerate any frequent juvenile behaviour of an adult

9 songs for your wedding: (in no particular order)
1.Takkan Ada Cinta Yang Lain – Titi Dj's version
2.Snow On The Sahara – Anggun
3.L.O.V.E – Michael Buble
4.Rossa – Wanita Yang Kau Pilih
5. Could I Have This Kiss Forever - Whitney Houston and Enrique Iglesias
6.Dreams – The Cranberries
7. Dialah Di Hati – Dato' CT ewahh!!
8. I'm Gonna Love You Forever – Jessica Simpson
9. Jangan Pisahkan – Deddy Dores & Mayang Sari

8 fav drinks/food: (in no particular order)
1.Vanilla Coke
2.Season's Ice Lemon Tea
3.Mcflurry Chocolate Cornetto
4.Neslo Ais
5.Tom Yam
6.Sate Minang
7.Char Kuey Teow
8.Dim Sum

7 things you always wear:
1.Erm you know, inner garments
2.Contact lens
3.Wrist watch
4.Deodorant
5.Talc
6.Body lotion
7.Clothes!

6 pet peeves : (in no particular order)
1.Men in sleeveless t-shirt, getting their food at eating places especially tempat nasi campur! Nanti gugur bulu-bulu ketiak masuk dalam lauk tau. Eeeuuww!
2.People who spits everywhere
3.Dato' CT latest fashion..bukak je lah tudung tu, heh!
4.Ella (yes, our so-called Ratu Rock) speaking in gedik-style broken English
5.I'm-older-so-I-know-better attitude
6.A person who goes out of character just to get attention from the opposite sex. Why can't we be ourselves, huh?

5 things you touch everyday: (in no particular order)
1.Myself (Hoi, jangan fikir bukan-bukan!)
2.My laptop
3.My handphone
4.Toothbrush
5.Facial cleanser

4 shows you watch: (in no particular order)
1.Grey's Anatomy
2.Heroes
3.Desperate Housewives
4. Any cooking shows

3 celebrities:
For what? My favorite?
1.Eric Bana
2.Claire Danes
3.Liv Tyler

2 current wishes:
1.To have more money so that my Dad doesn't have to work very hard
2. Studying/living abroad, preferably the UK

1 person you could spend the rest of your life with:
1. Sadly, no one in particular for now. Huhu.

I'm tagging:
1.Encik Lipas
2.Cik WRB Hitam
3.Budak Separa Kecik Nama Ney
4.Maya Nak Kawen

Your Insecurities Make You Emotionally Selfish

I was thinking about blogging a personal, sensitive matter that had been hanging in midair for a quite some time. As I was surfing for some inspirations, I came across a quote that struck a chord.


Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other."
- Honore De balzac

For the record, I don't put the blame on anybody else. It's just that when I decided to swallow my pride I was fooled by the idea that things had passed, we've learned our mistakes and things will be like they used to. Sadly, I was wrong. I've resigned to the fact that some of us will always afraid to admit that they've gone too far with their behaviours. Thus, the overflowing gratitude, respect and adoration that I have, had turned into a sad disappointment.

Too many words that left unspoken drifted everyone apart.

Another Sunday

Early in the morning, I received a SMS from a friend confirming my attendance in a birthday party. I managed to reply the sms with my eyes half open, declining the invitation because I had an exhaustive day yesterday. I have planned to relax on Sunday. After that, I continued sleeping for another 2 hours.

When I woke up, I did the usual routines. First, I checked the tabloid sections of a newspaper which full of the entertainment industry's latest gossips. Then I had a small breakfast alone because my parents had theirs at a mamak joint earlier. Late afternoon, I did some long overdue laundry while fixing up a simple lunch for me and my brother. My parents were already went out shopping by then.

The second half of the day was spent in my room, frolicking on my bed with a good book. Later I watched You Don't Mess With The Zohan on my laptop. It was a funny movie, I enjoyed it. But then again I'm such a huge Adam Sandler's fans, I might have a biased opinion hehehe. For dinner, we dined at a new Tom Yam joint on my suggestion. My Mom still preferred the green curry at her own favorite restaurant though. Then we got back, watched the telly together till late.

There you go, a day in my life. I feel blessed today albeit how ordinary it is. Whenever I feel down someday in the future, I can look back and appreciate the things that I had with my family.

That's What Friends Are For

I've been toying with the idea of digital scrapping lately and finally tried one yesterday. Here's my first ever digital scrap, a tribute to Ms. Prudential.

(The picture was blurred on purpose)



More to come!

Heavy In The Heart

Isn't it overwhelming to see your loved ones work so hard when they're not supposed to? At times like these, you'd hate yourself for not being able to do anything about it. You prayed hard with the hope that things will get easier for them.

--------

I wish I could buy the world.

*Sigh*

The Self-Defined Victim

The self-defined, “Victim” writes his/her own history (along with keeping a now wary protective vigilance toward his/her future power structures by a practiced "marketing" of his/her "mistreatment" and/or "abuse." Support garnered through such projections provide outside support during rejection, separation or divorce potentials and isolates the falsely labeled "Victimizer" in his/her life).

Source: The Internet


All too familiar.

He's Gone

I came to know about him from Yahoo News, last year. The news was about his "Last Lecture". From time to time, I keep updated about him through his website. Also, I was fortunate enough to watch him on Oprah.

When I logged on to the Internet a few minutes ago, I was shocked to see the news about his death at Yahoo.

Even though I never knew him let alone met him, I feel sad. He was such an inspiration. I am not going to blog more about him because his obituary at Yahoo News already did the justice.

Rest In Peace, Dr. Randy Pausch.

"...when you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering you to tell you anymore, that's a very bad place to be. Your critics are the ones telling you they still love you and care." — from The Last Lecture - Go figure!

To The Drama Queen

I cannot help but smirk at your latest “manifesto”. I don't believe every single thing you said in that domain.

You're a phony.

I think you should stop faking every drama in your life.
Every stories in your life has been blown out of proportion, by you.

I truly pity you because you're still resort to sympathy for people to like you.

Haven't you realized that "people at that place" are tired of your dramas?

Much Ado About Weekend

Yesterday was spent karaokeing with a bunch of friends. I think I'm becoming a karaoke addict. For the past 2 weeks, I've been karaokeing a lot. However it's not entirely my fault hehe because I have friends that are karaoke-holic too.

Also, this morning I went to Gabai with Juju and the Sate Minang Gang minus Ms. MetroJaya. Thank God I successfully climbed the 325 steps up to the waterfall! But now my legs are still shaking a bit from all those climbing. Anyway, there were a lot of people at such a small area and thus limiting my berendam activity. Furthermore, the water was sooo cold. An obscene view of Apek Cine in clinging boxer shorts *shudder* didn't spoil our appetite to enjoy the picnic foods. We had nasi lemak (imported all the way from Mak Wanjor, New Village) and Ms.Comot's scrumptious fried macaroni. We went back just before noon and I had a good rest after that.

Laters!

Happy 26th Birthday

Before I was diagnosed, I already experiencing the early symptoms. However, I was so scared to see a doctor. In order to ease the heavy burden in my heart, I decided to confide to a very few people including my sister. That was a decision that I come to regret later because of the many incidents that happened after that. Nevertheless, at least now I know what type of friends I have. Amazingly, my sister was so understanding and patience though she didn't agree with my stubbornness. She never ever gave me a hard time during my stubborn moment. Plus, she never gloated that she was right or telling me I-told-you-so for not listening to her. Ungkit-mengungkit is not her style.

When I was in hospital, she stood by me and really took care of me.

This is why I appreciate her more. She's my one and only sister. My best friend. The only sisterhood that is real for me now. Nothing else matters anymore.

I love you so much, beloved sister!

Happy 26th Birthday

Staying Alive

Today I had a routine follow-up at the neuro clinic. Dad dropped me off somewhere in the hospital area, very early in the morning. Thinking that I couldn't handle large crowds in the early hours, I avoided the hospital canteen and opted to have breakfast at a small cafe. As I sat alone having breakfast in the cafe, I noticed that the doctors had breakfast together, female nurses gossiping among themselves and male hospital attendants talked only about politics. Even in a different environment and time, segregation still exists, I guess.

Then I made my way to the clinic. The experience being in a neurology clinic is depressing, trust me. I mean no disrespect but I seeing many people with different kind of neuro disease is disheartening. Nonetheless, I am very much thankful to Allah, despite being sick, I am not as bad as other people that I saw at the clinic. Alhamdulillah.

However, things are still not doing so great for me. My recent blood test showed an unsatisfactory result therefore they cannot reduce my medications (I hate steroids!!) yet. My doctor is still optimistic, though. After that, I had another blood test at the clinic. The good thing is I'm so immune to needles, I don't feel much pain anymore. Will be going through another blood test soon. So yay, for me!

I actually wanted to write more, especially about suffering the side effects of my medications but that's another story. Later!

Disconnecting - Reconnecting

With the insistence of my 2 friends, Mr.Eh and Mr.Ek, I attended a wedding reception with them. It was quite a surprise for my friends when I showed up as I am known with my disdain of attending wedding receptions. Ever since I got sick, this is my first time seeing a whole bunch of friends that I've been avoiding before. So I did a lot of catching up when I got there. Although they were glad to see me, some of my friends expressed their disappointment to me because I didn't inform them when I was really sick and being hospitalized.

I knew I have made a mistake. I underestimate and overestimate my friends. A very few that I thought I could count on, weren't exactly supportive (Maybe someday I'll blog about it). While those I'm so embarrassed to tell about my condition, were being very, very kind.

Consequently, my personal point of view about friendship has definitely changed. Albeit not withholding any hatred, I've had enough with that very few. That is why I've stopped to care. I do not wish to strengthen or maintain whatever 'strong bond' that we used to have. I try to be civil once in a while but most of the time, I just let nature takes it's course. Nevertheless, I am very much grateful with some of my friends (beloved Juju, BBmates, Sate Minang Gang, Mr.Cockroach and Ms.Prudential to name a few) for being exceptionally caring and understanding.

Finally, I'm happy to be among those whole bunch again.

Yeah, Whatever

Look, if I were offended by an unreasonable behaviour of a friend or someone, what I would do is rant about it in this blog. But I don’t give a damn anymore.

In fact, I’ve stopped to care about a lot of people whom, sadly, used to hold my respect.

Sometimes immaturity does come with age and gender.

I hope someday you’ll be wise enough to read between the lines rather than take everything said at face value.

Grow up.

Has it really been a month?

The last flake of skin from the operative scar is still waiting for the right time to come off. My chest still hurt a little bit and I cannot sneeze properly yet. I also ran out of breath easily when I started doing some stuff especially when I tried lifting heavy things.

Most importantly, the experience of being conscious halfway through the surgery is so surreal. It feels like it never happened. But it did happen to me. I remember feeling the indescribable pain as the surgeons were doing their stuff in my chest. It was so painful, more than you could ever imagine. I remember feeling helpless as I couldn't move and talk while the surgeons happily talking about going to Korea. I was only able to open my eyes but unfortunately, they covered my face with a cloth during the operation. I remember being so angry while in a deep, deep pain.

But I survived, alhamdulillah. I'm not saying that I have a strong character or anything because I cried a lot right after the surgery. When I was in ICU and still being intubated, I saw my Mom standing at the edge of my bed, I reached out for her hand and cried. It may sound strange, but all the pain seemed to subside when I touched my Mom's hand. Luckily, I had a wonderful nurse, a Filipino called Dorothy. She was very tender to me and she told me that I'm still alive and that's the only thing that matter. I guess her words stuck to me till now.

A friend told me about a film called Awake. The movie is almost similar with what I've been through. The proper term for it is Anesthetic Awareness. I've downloaded the movie but haven't watch it yet. Maybe I'll let you know how I feel about this movie later.

I'm off for now.

Doctor Fish

Earlier today, my sister and I spent some quality time together. We decided to visit our former high school which situated deep in the jungle.





The concrete jungle

Actually our former high school has been upgraded to this:

This is my first time visiting this mall. When I was inside, I tried figure out the exact location of the buildings of my high school once stood but I couldn’t. For a brief moment, I was struck with melancholy.

Probably the toilet was here before..heheh

Anyhow, the main purpose of our visit was to try out this:

This is a fish spa that has a bunch of fish (garra rufa) that eats up our dead skin cells. We spent the first 15 minutes laughing like a maniac because the fishes were so ticklish (Geliiiiii…!!). Thank God, we didn’t wet ourselves from all those laughing!

We soak our feet in this pond

Apparently the fishes think my feet are tasty!

I also did another blood test today. I hope things will get better, insyaAllah.

Note To Self

It has been a while since I encountered this kind of situation. Though I was thrown back by the reaction, I will not dwell. I am determine to stay away from negative energy.

Yeah so people disappoints you all the time. But that's just the way life is. Maybe, we too, have disappoint other people without ever realizing it. Thus, move on. Focus only on the positive aspects of your life. Let's just forgive or at least feel pity those who disappoints you rather than harbored grudge or being sulky.

Don't ever let people bring you down or make you lose control of yourself.

Just smile :)

Re-branding Temi

A lot of things happened to me throughout the first half of 2008. Yet, I haven't get the chance to immortalized the events in writings since I closed down this blog in late January. Well, let's just say that now I'm back from hiatus and I didn't really closed down this blog. Heck, I've been blogging since 2003 and it's hard to retire from it.

I'm not sure if I'll be really candid about happenings in my life though. This blog has come to the attention of people that knows me personally and I do feel a little bit uncomfortable because I still wish to remain anonymous. Even my sister had found this blog too! But I don't want to change URL or anything because findingtemi has it's own sentimental value.

Allrite, why the need of re-branding, you may ask? Nothing big actually but I feel different now. My life has changed drastically and so does my point of view. Maybe I'll share some of it here or maybe it'll be just a pure mindless ranting. Plus, I still need an outlet to lash out at the world once in a while.

That's it for now. Later.

Too Late To Apologize

This post has nothing to do with the title. It's just that I am listening to this song while typing this post.

Finished setting up the Stre@myx connection with wireless router at my home. Now the household can go online anywhere in the house even in the toilet! Hehehe

And since Blogger is being so unkind to me, I have to delete and re-create findingtemi again.

I'll write more later lah.